Chapter 15
From Blood Red to Eerie White“My back's against the wall, Cut me open, I'm just trying to breathe, Just trying to figure it out, Because I built these walls to watch them crumbling down, I said, "Then I lost it all.”, And who can save me now?” ~ Lost It All – Black Veil Brides
“I get it now.”
My eyes were still fixated on the road ahead of me. The EMT was playing around with the bandages on my arm, making sure everything was covered up securely. There was pain, there had to be with cuts like that. But I couldn’t feel anything.
I couldn’t feel.
I hadn’t even realized someone said something until they repeated themselves once again. But I never looked up, refused to take my eyes away from the sight before me. I felt that if I moved my eyes away from the place he disappeared into, he’d never come back to me.
“What?” I whispered, my voice dry and scratchy from my screams in the room earlier.
“I said, I get it,” she mumbled, her tone so quiet and calm.
It was odd, hearing her voice portray such ease. Not even ten minutes before this, she was a bumbling mess and crumbled up in the corner like she wasn’t strong enough to stand on her own two feet. She was behind my line of vision, sitting silent and waiting for me to respond.
“You get what?”
“How much you two are in love with each other…” she said, her tone higher but still painfully slow and calm.
At her words I thought she’d start crying again, maybe start screaming at me and saying it was all my fault that this was happening. After all, she was his girlfriend and was supposed to be the one who could save him when he was falling. But she called me of all people. She trusted me to pick him up and restore her faith in him.
I wanted to reject her obvious assumption. I wanted to look back at her and give her a look that meant she was stupid to think such a thing. For years, I’d trained myself to react such a way when someone said I was in love with Caden or he was in love with me. Everyone looked at us like one person, so invested in one another’s lives that it was obvious something had to be going on. But I always dismissed it because I was so scared to hear him laugh at the idea. Fear always bubbled up inside of me when people asked things like that, assumed our relationship was anything other than friendly.
But now…now all I could do was nod my head slowly and accept it. If painful moments like these didn’t make you realize who you truly loved, I didn’t know what could.
It was such a shame though, learning the hard way. Being taught the hard way wasn’t like falling off of your bike and scraping your knee. That, actions like those, you could come back up from. It was so easy to just brush off the dirt from your knee and hop back on, even with wretched tears in your eyes. But you could do it. You’d manage to make it down to the end of the block without another cut on your skin.
So it wasn’t as easy as learning to ride a bike. It was more like being pushed down a flight of stairs and not knowing if you’d make it safely to the end. Almost like driving in a harsh thunderstorm, rain and hail pounding your windshield and lightening brightening up your vision. You’re stuck wondering if you’d make it to your destination without running into another car. It was so hard, so anxiety driven and blood pumping that you’d really never know if you’d make it out alive.
Why did I have to learn in a way like this?
Couldn’t have I embarrassed myself in front of the entire school as I found out? Maybe I could have been in the passenger seat of Caden’s car, my heart pounding in my chest as I finally realized who it belonged to all along.
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