Sadie, Someday...

Chapter 21 - A First Step

Chapter 21
A First Step

“I always said I'd never waste a single second of this, but sometimes I find myself slipping through the cracks, How could I be such a hypocrite? I think about it all so far; what we've been through, who we were, who we are, These days the weight of the world is on my shoulders, I never thought it would be this hard.” ~ Losing Sight – Memphis May Fire

With realizations comes the heavy weight of promises.

Caden and I had pushed aside the curtains we had been hiding behind for so long and made way for the future that was to come. We were now stepping into what he called an “easy transition” but what I called “a small step forward at a time.” I was nowhere near ready to commit to something I still couldn’t have a full amount of trust in.

Although he wasn’t happy about my lack of trust in this relationship we were starting to form, he completely understood why. He specifically used another girl to gain my attention and as a tool to get over me. I couldn’t exactly jump right into a strong relationship when I still hadn’t overcome my own demons.

But we were taking it slow, at best.

The kissing, touching and endearing heart to hearts about our feelings were still allowed to happen. I was visiting him everyday in the hospital whilst he recovered, bringing him his favorite foods, against his doctor’s better wishes. We’d watch crap television in his room and cuddle for what seemed like hours. I’d tell him how I was coming along as far as mental progress and he would reassure me that his feelings still hadn’t changed in the past month.

He was the one who actually discussed this therapy session that I was now sitting in, agreeing with Mason and the rest of my family that something needed to be done about the voices and my self-hatred. Now that Caden was alive and breathing, I made a pinky promise to him that I would go through with this with tight lips. If I was going to get better, than I needed to find help and take in everything I could as a way to cope with what I couldn’t understand.

“So Sadie,” Dr. Griffin began slowly. He was a burly man with a reddish brown beard covering his chin and cheeks. There were glasses perched on his bent nose and he wore a button down with pressed slacks. “What brings you here today?”

I cautiously calculated my words in my head before spilling them out. After all, he was recording my every tick, my every word, on his bright yellow legal pad in his lap. The pen was sitting in the slot between his second and first finger, itching to study me.

Taking in a heavy breath and crossing my arms over my chest, I began unsteadily. “My family thinks I need help.”

I knew it was a bad decision, automatically putting the blame on my family for being here. I did agree that I needed help. I knew I wasn’t the definition of ‘normal’ and wasn’t about to reach that until someone helped me control whatever was going on in my mind.

“And why do they think you need help?” he asked, peering at me above his glasses after scribbling something on his pad that he made sure I couldn’t see. It only made me want to hop out of the seat and sneak a peek over his lap to see what he was saying about me.

What did he know just by first glance? He was no better than the kids at school who pinned as the depressed girl with no friends. You couldn’t define a person just by a simple look at their broken wrists or sad expressions. We shouldn’t have to be defined by our bad days, no matter how long or short they reoccurred.

“I…” I stuttered, playing with the ends of my jacket sleeves. It suddenly seemed too cold in this tiny office, my legs feelings like they were sweating against the leather of the couch I was on. Instead of actually saying it aloud, I lifted up my sleeves slowly.