Sadie, Someday...

Chapter 18 - Long Awaited Assumptions

Chapter 18
Long Awaited Assumptions

“Constant recovery, I see you choke and it takes my breath away, But all is good, we close our eyes, They all accept the lie, So bury what you are outside, Brother, promise you won't leave me, I know you're tortured within, Your eyes look hungry again, But I'll never wander, my friend.” ~Tangled in the Great Escape – Pierce the Veil

Some way or another I ended up on my bed, face up and staring at the tiny cracks and holes in my ceiling. I kept wondering how big the hole in Caden’s lung was. Was it the size of that one? Or that one in the far corner? Was it painful? Could he feel it like I could feel the hole in my heart?

People always say that once someone’s in your heart, if you love them enough, they hold a place in there forever. No matter what they did, where the disappeared to, you’d still be able to feel them in that tiny place you reserved for them in your heart. They’d never leave. It was forever permanent.

But Caden was gone.

It was so weird to me. I thought that if the time came, whenever he truly got fed up with me or moved on with his life without me, that I’d always be able to feel him with me. I loved him enough to never want to let him go. He pushed me, helped me, held me, and cared about me more than anyone else I knew. So why wasn’t he still in there?

When the doctor came outside of his room to tell us that he was gone, in that same moment, he ripped himself out of my chest and just flew away. The hole was just digging deeper and deeper, ripping the organ into two shattering pieces. Nothing was occupying the space anymore. It was like if I couldn’t physically see him in front of me than he wasn’t real. He no longer existed.

I hated him for doing that.

Why couldn’t he just remain in there, leaving me with memories of him and adoration I’d never be able to abandon? I wanted to be able to remember him for the good that he did, the way his lips felt on mine, the way he smiled when he saw me or how his touch felt against my bare skin.

I couldn’t even move over to his side of the bed. It felt sacred, something that should be left untouched forever. That was his side. There was the place I’d comforted him when he cried, laughed with him when he joked and cuddled him when we were at peace with one another. If I touched that place, I was afraid I’d screw it up and it would never be the same.

Giving up on deciphering the holes on my ceiling, my eyes glanced around the room to different parts where Caden had once been. In the corner, by my bedside table and up against that wall was where he’d kissed me for the first time. On the dark blue carpet in front of the dresser was where he’d found me when I’d thought I’d truly ended it all.

I didn’t dare look at the window.

It wasn’t the same anymore. I locked them up tight behind me when I climbed through it one last time. In the future, I didn’t plan on opening it up ever again. I planned on buying curtains and covering it up so I didn’t have to relive the memories of him. It wouldn’t matter if it was too hot in my room or I didn’t want to face my parents if I had to leave. I’d never open up that window for anything ever again.

If Caden Grange wasn’t standing on that fire escape, climbing through that window, than I wasn’t using it anymore.

The window seat had only been my favorite because it was where I’d shared my most cherished secrets with him in the midst of the night. It was the place where we had watched the stars together when it was the darkest in our neighborhood. I would curl my knees up to my chest and rest my cheek on my knees while I watched his cigarette glow on his lips. I would take in his smile as he told me a story, cringe when he told me a sad story or grab onto the fabric of his skin tight jeans to comfort him when he got choked up.