The Game Without Rules

Chapter Twenty

        

         It's been two weeks.
Two weeks since I've seen or heard from Alex. No calls, no texts, nothing. I've heard that he's in Europe but nothing really more from that. Schools out and I finally said goodbye to high school last week. Graduation was typical but I wasn't as into it as I thought. My mind was so focused on Alex that I couldn't be excited. 

I'm thinking of spending the summer in London before school starts in the fall. Melinda will be moving with me and by then she'll only be a few months pregnant. Eli will join us in England by Christmas permanently but he'll be in New York at the end of June for only a week. Melinda keeps saying it's better than nothing but I think she keeps saying that to convince herself.

Noah's actually found someone who he doesn't have to pay for the company but an actual guy that he's been hanging out a lot with. Noah brought him to my graduation so that's where I met him. His name was Lucas and he looked the opposite of Noah. He was built for an athlete and Noah was more of the struggling writer type. But they -unlike me-are happy so that's makes me happy for them.

Why did he leave?

I've felt like a zombie since he left which is unlike me. I've never been one to fawn over a guy but Alex was different. I felt like it was my fault that he left. I did kiss him.

But he kissed you back. Hard.

He did, but maybe he was feeling the same remorse I feel from the aftermath of the kiss.

He was always so distant but still maintained to be present with those around him. I was just the one who actually took the time to notice.

It seems as if everything is damp and gloomy. The sun has gone and fog makes up the sky as I sit on the ledge of my window, it looks as if it's about to rain. My body is physically numb from whatever feeling was caused by him leaving. I've now checked my phone for the hundredth time and nothing. He's completely fallen off the radar. Leaving me completely vulnerable and restless.

"Come on, Evie." I hear Kara sigh but I continue to sit still not making a move.

Kara knows what's happened, I told her. She's been trying to get me to go out and get back to my normal self but the problem is, I don't want to be my normal self. I want to be the self I am with Alex. No matter how 'needy' it sounded.

I've heard that when you fall in love that it consumes you. That it takes its mark on you like prey. That its the greatest thing to experience and nothing can compare.

I wanted that. I want that.

I've chosen my prey and they ran away too coward to face reality. Too coward to look me in the eye and tell me how he really felt.

I'm starting to fall for a coward.

That should be a front page headline 'Alex Dalloway Makes a Run from Love'  that would sell out immediately.

I'm starting to hate myself a little bit for even feeling this way about him. He didn't realize it but when he left...he took a piece of me with him. An important part.

My heart.

He took my heart leaving me defenseless against my old self. The self that I've been running from. He's left me without a single reason causing me to make my own conclusion.

I wasn't good enough.

I need a cigarette