Reasons Why (DanxPhil)

Reason 16

Mistakes- I've made a lot of mistakes. I mean a lot. Sometimes I feel like everything I do is a mistake. At first YouTube was a mistake. It caused me a lot of stress. Going to law school was a mistake. Trusting anyone was a mistake. Moving away from home was inevitable, but was a mistake. I was a mistake. I make way too many mistakes. Mistakes in school, bad grades and bad friends. In a long time it hasn't felt like I'm a mistake. Cutting and all the suicide attempts were mistakes. T never worked. I don't know why the world hates me. It wants me to suffer. I've learned that's all anyone wants to do. Is make you suffer. I don't regret the mistakes though. I love them. I push through them. I may take awhile, but I do push through them. I usually feel pretty shitty afterwards. I hate them. I can never conquer them. I usually quit trying after a couple of months. I usually feel really relieved. I've made many mistakes. Some that are the results of other mistakes and some stand on their own. I can't count how many mistakes I've made on all my fingers and toes. One big mistake I've made is hiding who I am. Nobody knows who I am. It's like I have two faces. I really don't know who is who at this point. I wear a mask around everyone including myself. I don't know when I started doing this, but I'm not me. It feels like I've been possessed by a happy person. Maybe that's good, but it's not me. I'm sorry. For all my unwelcome mistakes, but if you knew me you'd know that it's a package deal. But even Dan Howell doesn't know who Dan Howell is. I don't know who I am. That's one of the biggest mistakes I've made. Not my cuts. Not my YouTube channel. Not this journal. But wearing a mask. Hiding myself from you. From everyone. I'm going to try to live for you; mistakes.

Dan Howell