Dear Gabriel

Letter # 1

Tuesday, 2006, August 22

Dear Gabriel,

You are truly gone. 

I just have to accept it.  But I can't, Gabe.  I can't accept that you are truly gone and out of my life because then it feels like I can't breathe.  It sounds melodramatic, I know, yet that's how it feels.  It feels like my heart breaks everytime I think back on the day of your birthday.  Everything was perfect.  We ate cake.  Lots and lots of cake.  Which made me sick later that night as I'd like to point out mister.

We laughed and played hide in seek.  You couldn't find me that night, do you remember?  It took you forever just to guess where I was and when you did you were wrong!  You would have never thought I'd hide under the kitchen sink.  Thank goodness that it was roomy enough for me or else I wouldn't have fit.

But then it was time to leave.  Your mom wouldn't let me stay to help and I thought it was odd and strange.  She was never like that towards me before.  So why that night, Gabe?  Why did she push me out?  Why didn't you tell me you were leaving?

Am I not allowed to know?  Is that it?  Is your family part of some government secret agency?  That would make perfect sense!  I'd understand after I scream and punch you.  Then I'd tell you that I love you and that I'd never want you to leave.  Its empty and desolate without you here. I don't have anyone to tell my secrets to; all I have now is the journal you gave me and these letters I will write you when I have to tell you something.  I guess it's my own pathetic way of having a piece of you here with me.  It might be strange and seem a little crazy but its the only connection I'll have to you.  I don't think I can ever let you go, Gabe, no matter how much I try.

I hate how totally psychotic I sound...do you think so?  Sigh...it's not like you'll ever read these letters but if you ever do I hope you don't think that I went nuts!  I couldn't bare it.  Ohh...the humilation!  How will I ever look at you again when you think I'm this psycho chick who's in love with you.  You'll probably call the cops on me the second you find this and "scene".  I am such a dork.  If you ever read this I think I will die of humilation, literally.  Not being melodramtic here...okay maybe just a teeniest bit.

On a different note...there's something that I need to ask.  That night of the spring school play did you want to kiss me?  I don't know.  I feel like that night was full of sparks.  Things changed that night for the both of us.  When you kissed me on the cheek, there was this electric shock that lingered on my skin even after you left to take your seat.  Did you feel it too?  Or am I just imagining it?  

I guess I'll never know.  But I hope someday that you can answer that question and the questions I'll have soon after if you ever come back.  I'll always pray for that, Gabe.  I'll pray for your safety and for the day of your return.  Hope and faith is all I have left and I hope that it's enough to give me strength while you're gone.

Hope to see you soon Gabriel.

Sincerly,

Gwen