Dear Gabriel

Letter # 3

Letter # 3

Friday, 2007, February 16

I haven’t written to you in a while.  It’s been a couple of months since my last letter.  I tried to write to you in December but I couldn’t bring myself to say anything.  There was nothing left to say.  I’m tired of wishing on the stars for you to come back.  I’ve come to the point where I’ve realized that you are gone…forever. 

It’s been months, Gabe.  No calls.  No text.  No letters.  Absolutely, nothing.

But then there’s that small part of me that can’t let you go. 

I’ve been seeing this guy named Ben and he’s really sweet and funny.  He isn’t at all like Tyler and we both know how that turned out.  But Ben…I don’t know.  I really like him and the way he treats me but he’s not you.  I feel guilty when I’m with him.  I shouldn’t feel that way but I do.  I can’t help but want to be with you instead.  I want you to hold me in your arms like he does.  I want to feel the touch of your lips on mine.  But it’s delusional to want you here.  It’s delusional to want all those things knowing that I can never have them.

I keep on pleading to know why you left.  I just need to know Gabriel.  Was it because of me?  Did you have to leave because of me?  If it wasn’t me then why couldn’t you tell me?  I feel like I’m writing to a ghost.  Someone that was never truly here but then why do I have all these memories of us.

To quote Rose from Titanic, “He exists only in my memory.”  That is exactly how I feel.  Will my life end like that?  Will I go on but still always keep you in my heart until I die old and warm in my bed?  Is my love real?  Is it love?  Am I truly in love with you?

I don’t want to be in love with someone who is gone.  How can that even be possible?  I want to be able to love Ben like he should be loved.  I’m afraid that he might love me but I won’t be able to return those feelings.  How can I when I’m in love with you?

It isn’t fair.  It isn’t fair for him.  It’s not fair to you.  It’s not fair to me…I tell myself that it’ll be easier to just think that you didn’t care about me.  Then I could let go of you.  Why would I love an insensitive jerk?  But I know you aren’t one.  Jerks are people like Tyler who used me in order to get another girl and cheat on me in the end.  You are sweet, understanding, caring, and maddening.  You are everything that I ever wanted yet everything I can’t have.

I want to forget.  I want to forget you…us.  I don’t want to hurt and be conflicted with my emotions.  I shouldn’t be feeling guilty about being with Ben because of you.  I want to be able to love someone else after you.  Is that wrong?  I wonder if you have the same thoughts.  I wonder if it’s easier for you to move on and find someone else…

I don’t think I can keep on writing to you, Gabe.  This will be the last letter that I write to you…I hope.  I need to just try to let go.  I need to let you go…

I’m so sorry, Gabriel.

I hope that you can forgive me.

Gwen