Dear Gabriel

Entry # 6

Entry #6

Saturday, 2007, August 18

Today is his birthday. 

It's been a year since he's been gone.  I still remember last summer on this day where we spent the last few hours together.  Everything seems like a blur in my memory.  I remember how we went to the creek behind your house and that’s where I gave him his birthday present.  I got Gabe a silver chain with a small locket at the end where you can put whatever photograph you wanted.  The smile on his face when I gave it to him was enough to put a smile on my face.  He came forward and wrapped his arms around me and said, “I’ll always treasure it.”

Thinking about it now, makes me wonder if he knew he was leaving but just didn’t want to tell me.  I honestly don’t know if I could have said goodbye either.  I couldn’t face him and let him go.  Maybe that’s how he felt.  If that’s the case then I completely understand.  But I still wished he would have said goodbye.  Maybe then I could get the closure that I so desperately need. - I wonder if he still has the chain I gave him.  I wonder what picture he decided to use in the locket.

All I have are all the stuffed animals that he won at fairs (he was very good at ring toss) and the photographs of us taken throughout the years.  There are some pictures that I'll hid under my covers forever so that no one would ever lay eyes on them.  They were embarassing.  There was some of us in the kiddie pool with both of us just wearing underwear!  I honestly don't know what my mother was thinking about taking the shots.    

~

A few days ago, Ben and I broke up.  He told me that he was tired of waiting for me to love him.  I have to admit that it hurt for him to tell me that.  But I couldn’t lie and tell him that I did love him.  No matter how much I tried to forget Gabriel, I just couldn’t.  I can’t stop thinking of the “what ifs” with us.  What if he was still here right now?  Would he love me just as much as I love him?  I don’t think that I could ever be happy with anyone else but Gabe.  He was my everything…people may say that I’m too young to know love but if it isn’t love then what is it?  What is this feeling that hurts so much in my chest, tightening at every possible moment that passes by? 

Maybe I’m being a little overdramatic here.  But Gabriel and I had been friends since first grade.  How can I just let my mind forget him?  It's virtually impossible for that to happen; for me to let go.

But I have to try.  I have to try to stop loving him.  I need someone here for me not someone who never knew how I felt and might not even return those feelings.  I wish that I could have loved Ben…but there was something missing.

I think that there will always be something missing.  I hope that as the years go by that I will be able to fill that hole in my heart.  I honestly don’t want to feel like this anymore.  My Mom is worried about me and has commented on my appearance.  She says that I have sad eyes…but I do understand that I look different.  I hardly recognize who I am when I stare at my reflection.  Part of me died when I let you go.

I still pray that you'd come back, Gabriel but I have to try to move on.  From now on I'm going to refrain myself from writing about you as much as possible.  It'll be hard but I have to do something. I can't be like this anymore.  I don't think that you'd want me to feel like this.  But I want to say one more thing before I end my journal tonight...

Happy Birthday Gabriel :)

I hope you had a great day <3