Dear Gabriel

Entry # 16

Saturday, 2009, June 6

I’m getting ready to go out on my date with Grant.  I have no idea where he’s taking me – he says it’s a surprise.  I’m not too keen on surprises, but I have realized that those are sometimes the best moments in life.  The perfect example would be kissing Grant those many months ago on New Years.  I was definitely not expecting it, but it had been…wonderful?  I was definitely awestruck and I think I still am. This is our first day together and I can’t help but feel a million butterflies fluttering inside of my stomach just waiting to break free.

I feel so giddy!

Mom was actually happy that he had finally asked me out and said, “What took him so long?” I just shrugged.  I’d been really unsure about Grant and I, but now I couldn’t be more certain about this – about us.  I couldn’t let the past hold me back.  The past was in the past along with the people who had been in my life.  At least, that’s what I keep telling myself.  It works for awhile and sometimes I get waves of nostalgia, but it’s not as bad as it was in the beginning.

The pain has lessened as well as the ache in my heart.

It was time for fresh starts, and I felt like Grant was it.  I could even possibly love him after awhile.  It wouldn’t be easy, but I think I could do it.  Grant cared about me in a way that I hadn’t been cared for in a while.  It was refreshing and kind of sexy.  He was strong, yet had his moments of sweetness like candy sticking to my teeth; very hard to remove once it’s there.  He was also intelligent and we found ourselves having political conversations or bantering at times.  It was nice.

There was just so much still that he didn’t know about me.  Things that would only belong to Gabriel, and I hated that I kept things from him because of Gabe.   I was just not ready to have that conversation.  Where would I even start?  I don’t even want to think about the look on his face when I told him about the boy I loved – still love, because I know that I won’t forget him.  Ever.  He has a place in my heart; his memory never leaving my mind. 

Is it unhealthy?

Is it unhealthy to still hold on to someone after it’s been years that you haven’t laid eyes on their face?

*

Maybe, Grant also had a past love.  If he did I think it would make me feel better and I know that he’d understand the conflicting emotions inside…

On a brighter note, I am wearing a new outfit for our date tonight.   Molly, Tammy, and I went shopping earlier today.  They wanted to accompany me on my search for the 'perfect outfit'.  It took hours of tedious searching until I found a cute flowy dark green shirt with a string that wrapped around my middle. The last of our endeavors was to accessorize.  I bought cute pearl earrings at Claire’s and a black headband to match with my favorite black skinny jeans at home.  After that I was all set and we ate lunch until it was time to go…

Grant should be coming soon. As a matter of fact…It’s almost six!  Eeekkk!  Okay, girlish moment over.  I am really excited though, I really wonder where he is taking me.  Maybe he’ll take me into Fairfield where we first met.  Or he might take me to the drive in.  They are having a black and white movie fest and I told him before that I love black and white movies.  I also like silent movies.  I think they are interesting and the actors convey so much emotion just by their movements and actions.  It’s just a different form of art; a form that has been lost throughout time. 

Hmm…or maybe he will take me ice skating?  Although, that’s unlikely because he knows how extremely unbalanced I am.  Or maybe we would have a picnic under the stars.  The nights were a bit chilly, nothing that a jacket couldn’t fix – so it would be the perfect time to have a picnic under the stars with only candles as our light.

That would be extremely romantic…

Oh!  I hear Mom.  She says Grant is here!

Gwen