Saturday, 2009, June 6
Continued…
♥
The date with Grant was amazing. I don’t even know what to say…he took me to town where we had laid back kind of romantic picnic. We talked about the simplest of things like our favorite colors to our hobbies.
I feel like I’m weightless and I’m floating on a cloud.
It sounds silly.
But he just makes me…happy.
Tuesday, 2009, August 18
It’s been four years to be exact since Gabriel left…I can’t help but know that today is his birthday. Wherever he is…I wish he could hear me and know that I wish him a happy birthday. I know it seems odd to keep holding on to him. It’s obvious that he isn’t going to come back. If he was then he would have come back by now.
Sigh…I just can’t let him go no matter how much I try. I imagine him coming back so many times that it hurts because none of these scenarios are ever going to come true. I feel like my heart is breaking as the years go by…and I don’t know…I don’t know what to do anymore.
I can’t lie to myself and say that I love Grant…Grant doesn’t make me feel the way Gabe did. I want Gabe…I want him with me to take care of me and to just…to just be here with me.
I feel like I will never truly be whole again…not until I see Gabe again…maybe then I’ll be able to let go. If he tells me that he never loved me then I’ll walk away…and leave him no matter how much I’ve deluded myself…it just hurts that he never said goodbye. I want to think that he never thought of me as a friend and maybe the pain would hurt less but it doesn’t…it doesn’t lessen the pain that I feel in my chest.
It’s absurd how depressed I sound. Tammy told me today that it’s probably because it’s his birthday and the memory of him is strongest today. I’m fine every other day. I laugh and hang out with my friends…Grant is amazing. He’s more than I could ever ask for in a guy…but there is always that guilty feeling – even if it’s a small seed in a bowl of delicious strawberries. It’s still there.
Maybe, I need therapy. Imagine how that would sound to Mom. She’d just give me her whole, “he was your first love speech…you never forget your first love.” Yes, I think I have figured that one out, Mom. Thanks.
Or I could pay a hypnotist to take away my memories of him. That kind of stuff always works on the t.v.
My crazy and delusional theories always make me wonder if I’m normal. But it also makes me feel better…I don’t feel so depressed anymore
:)
Thursday, 2009, August 20
It’s the week before school starts and I’ve been busy shopping for my school supplies. There’s something about school shopping that makes me giddy! It’s weird, but Tammy and Molly feel the same way. Maybe it’s the fact that it’s the start of a new year.
Grant and I were at the mall today with Tammy and Kyle – we saw the strangest thing…there was a little girl in the food court, throwing a tantrum and uttering about demons. She was hysterical and saying that she saw them. Her mother was trying to calm her down with no such luck and her behavior only grew worst.
I don’t know why I have this gnawing feeling in my stomach about the whole incident. It’s part of the reason why I wanted to write this down. Part of me feels that I need to write it down so I can come back and re-read this and just…laugh…? No, that’s not the right word…maybe REMEMBER, would be better. It’s just that I’ve never seen a little girl so frightened yet persistent at the same time…
It’s probably nothing.
Nothing that I should be concerned about, right?
Tuesday, 2009, December 17
Grant and I had our first fight today.
It was stupid and ugh!
I hate that he’s not speaking to me. He’s not even responding to my texts or calls and it makes me seem like some crazy and insecure girlfriend. Which I’m not…by any means. At least, I don’t think so…
Ugh!
Boys are so difficult. I don’t even understand why he’s mad. Okay, so maybe I do but that doesn’t give him the right to just ignore me. I’m sure he has a past. I’m sure he has girlfriends…I’m pretty damn positive that he’s even been in love. Yet, he is angry that I’ve been in love and…
It’s not my fault that I can’t…love him. At least, not the way that he wants me too and I hate myself for it. I want to love Grant – I do, but my heart still belongs to Gabriel. It’s been so long and I don’t know why I still feel this way for him. It’s not like he’s going to appear like my knight in shining armor. It’s not realistic. It’s not how life is.
Why do I still miss him? Why do I even torture myself with this hopeless wish that will never EVER come true. He left me. He left me all alone…with no goodbye…with nothing at all.
I just want this aching pain in my chest to go away for good. I want it to fade with time, and that’s what I’ve done. But it’s still there.
I have this fear that I will be an old lady with a zillion cats and I’d die alone. It’s feels like I lost him, like he’s dead somewhere and I don’t even know about it. How can someone just disappear off the face of the earth?
I want answers. I wish on the brightest star in the sky, hoping that I’d get them.
But I never will.
I’ve lost Gabe and now I’m losing Grant because of my stupid pathetic heart.
Author's Note
Hiya fans/readers/friends! (:
I apologize for not uploading this sooner, but this was always a side project of mine. Even though I uploaded I know it's short, but there is more than one entry...so that's something right? :D Hehe well as always I'd love to hear what you guys think! It totally makes my day! :D
With love always,
addy
YOU ARE READING
Dear Gabriel
RomancePlease do not read if you have not read Escaping Death :) *spoiler alert* Written letters that Gwen wrote after the day that Gabriel left her when they were mere teenagers. First letter is the one she wrote the first night they were in the cabin; he...
