Dear Gabriel

Entry # 9

Wednesday, 2008, January 17

I don’t even know where to start.  Many things have happened in the last few months but I haven’t had time to write any of it down.  I read my last entry and the happiness I felt that night is what I wish I had now.  It’s not my friends that are making everything in my life so unbearable but its rumors that are tearing me apart.

School has been agonizing.  I can’t take it anymore.  Between homework and volunteering at the animal shelter…life has been a living hell.  Not to mention that there is a rumor going around that Jack and I did it at the Winter Ball!  Ugh…life really sucks.  I cried in the bathroom and Tammy was there for me.  A thought crossed my mind and I can’t help but still be thinking of him.

He would have kicked Jack’s ass if he was here.  I remember the fight that he had gotten into with Tyler when he hurt my feelings back in middle school.  God, how I miss him.  I miss everything about him.  Things would be different.  I wouldn’t feel so alone…

Tammy and Molly are great friends but they don’t compare to Gabriel.  He understood me, inside and out – never judging me.  I can’t help but miss that.

I still cry about him at night when thoughts of him surface.  I can’t help but ask the stars to bring him back to me so I could tell him how I feel.  So I could tell him that I love him.  I hate how I figured out that I loved him after he left…now I’ll never get to tell him.

If I had one wish it would be for him to return.  I know for certain that things would be different.  There would be no rumors about Jack and I because I would have never had gone to the Winter Ball with him.  I don’t even know why I went with him – I shouldn’t have.  He’s the one who used me.  He wanted to make his ex-girlfriend Daniella jealous by taking someone else to the dance.  Unfortunately, that lucky person was me.  I was so stupid.  I should have seen it coming but I was blinded by what he was.

Jack’s the quarter back of the football team – a senior, for that matter.  Triston and Kyle warned me, they warned me not to go out with him.  They told me what he was but I didn’t want to believe them because he was nice and sweet to me.  I thought that I could change him or he was changing because of me.

Boy, was I a fool.

The ball he lead me to a storage room and he started to…I can’t even begin to write down the things he did but we didn’t have sex like everyone is saying.  I wish I could tell the truth.  To tell them the kind of monster he really is.  Tammy and Molly are the only ones who know what happened and I begged them to not tell Kyle and Triston because then they’d surely beat the living shit out of him.

There was only one guy who I’d want to see beat Jack for all that he’s worth and he’s not here. 

Why does life have to be so hard?  I just want the rumors to end.  I want Daniella and her crew to leave me alone.  They don’t even stop to listen to what I have to say.  They say I’m a little slut and that I shouldn’t mess with older people business.  –I confronted Jack a few days after the rumors and he denied my truth.  He even went along with the rumor that we did have sex.

Everything is just a mess.  I hope that it is fixed soon because I don’t know what I will do.  I can’t give up, I’m not the type of person to do so but it’s just so hard.  It’s so hard to wake up every morning knowing what the school day will bring.  If it wasn’t for my friends than I don’t know where I would be.  They are the ones who keep me grounded and sane.  I think it’s time to tell Tammy about Gabriel.  Maybe, then she’ll understand why I’m so closed off sometimes.

Life is so difficult.  I hope this passes soon.