A broken soul with one sentence

9. Soon School

Some day later I get so depressed and so emotionless that I want to cry but can't. Then an idea pop up and I just do it, just like that. I paint my emotions out on a canvas. I paint my black hole to heart and see the pain before me. It was a satisfying feeling after my painting was done. I was surprised at my sudden feeling of being proud. I wanted everyone around me to see how I feel. The rest of the day wasn't much, just me being lazy maybe watching some anime.

Two days later me and Mom drived into town to get my belly piercing. It didn't take so long, it felt like being stabbed. Well I did get stabbed with a little piercing needle for 5 seconds. I kind of got high on my own adrenaline afterwards I think, it was my first piercing besides the ears. A real thrill. Even though I got a belly piercing I'm still against tattoos and too many piercings. Then I was younger I thought of it as clean and unclean. Ever since, the feeling of getting unclean or unpure is unconsciously stuck in my head. I worked around it and let myself se the beauty in it, and got my piercing. I have thought about a tattoo, but I'm not ready or sure enough to consider it.

After doing the piercing and stand up I felt dizzy, and had to wait for the dizziness to go away.

Mom and I stopped at the drugstore to buy the things needed to keep the piercing clean then it heals. And then back home. I'm always relieved to get home. I get stressed easily then I don't feel comfortable or safe.

Also some days ago, maybe a week or so I joined a new game chat with kind of the same people as before. But to start new again. The old one was basically disbanded some month ago. And we switched name on our guild around the same time to become independent.

Back to the present I talked to a guy named Onii, we seemed to have a lot in common and we did. Though I didn't talk to him much. I mostly talked in game chat and guild chat, showing a picture of my piercing. I talked all nights in game chat, getting to know all people there at least a bit. I had fun explaining what yaoi is to some. I dared to send pictures, which I did later. Some were laughing because they also like yaoi or are okay with it, or they were just used to me and what I do. Others being shocked and not so happy. Good thing is that no one takes things personally or to seriously. And things got solved quickly, if I promised to not send hardcore stuff again.

For the next two weeks I did nothing much, besides chatting or playing games. And on the last day of summer vacation I open all things that I saved in a game for the whole summer. I got nothing amazing but it was okay I suppose. I didn't get angry or sad, I was just okay. As I got to bed that night, I could feel the anxiety start growing and I had a hard time falling to sleep even with my medicine to help me.

And so the first day of school, in a new school began.