A broken soul with one sentence

13. Resting in peace

Well what really happed yesterday? Yeah right in the end I asked Onii and Xris to try to stay away from each other for a while. I think this all ended with everyone on a neutral level in feelings, or at least I hope so.

And me and Xris became friends, I let him rant about whatever he wanted and I was glad I could listen and try to help. We had some things in common like yaoi, yeah the yaoi. That's my obsession, my drug, often the reason I still have emotions. That, anime and manga.

Xris and I could talk about the deep shit, and I really liked his classic response: "I feel ya gurl". Made me smile every time, and still do. He made me feel more comfortable to talk in guild chat. But things would never truly go back to the way it was before. I'm just glad I can rest my teary eyes for now.

I even get the energy to go to school some days, meeting friends and of course the awkward feeling of being alone in school. Watching anime and reading manga, playing different games on different consoles. My medicines even work as they should now, and I can finely sleep...... then I ahem want to. I love being awake at night and I fall asleep around 6 - 7 am, but that doesn't work with how the school or world works. Why can't there be a night school like in Vampire Knight? A girl can dream, boys, men, women, vampires, neko people, werewolfs, shikis, ghouls, chains, aliens, youkais, robots, shinigamis, gods, angels, demons, animals you name it, can dream too.

My depression is okay at the moment, it's bearable. My life is stable so to say. The only pain to complain about is the stabbing one, the period pains. I hate it, then I was younger I wished and cried about operating to end the pain, but Mom said no. That's understandable but I still can't make the thought go away, thinking that I could always adopt a child if I ever wanted one. And to really operate it away. People would say I crazy, I'm just 16, I don't know what I want, but what if I do know? What if I don't even want to be female anymore? I have millions of questions to myself, but I need research to find all my answers. What's on my DNA? Allergies? Genetic diseases? Blood? Reading dreams? Horoscopes? Subconsciousness? I want to know it all, be it logical or mystical or anything else I want to know. Researches come and take me.

I usually don't tell people about my self questions though, but if someone asked I would tell. I'm not really a social person, rather antisocial actually, but if someone asks me I answer and I don't lie often, I hate lying. And if I lie I do hate myself for it.

Days are peaceful and all, but I get irritated by small things here and there, as usual.