A broken soul with one sentence

7. The war in my head

I didn't feel anything anymore. Mostly I felt sad. It has been some days now, since I found out about the baby. Basically every night I would cry at least once, and during the day I act as nothing ever happened. I'm acting to be happy, putting on my mask. As I did every day at school, it was so exhausting being something you aren't. I constantly worry about what might happen tomorrow, nothing but pain in my heart.

Why must life be so hard? Can't I just sleep and never wake up?

I often tighten my hand over my chest, just thinking that my black hole to heart hurts so much it's overwhelming.

What should I do? What do I want to do?

I haven't told anyone about the situation, making my burden mine only. I text in guild chat as usual. I no longer am in the group chat, it just stopped.

Even though I have a depression I still eat as usual, I have always been picky. So I basically live on chicken nuggets, and no problem there I never lose taste in it.

My everyday life is like at the moment: be awake all night, sleep till 3 pm, play games and or chat, eat nuggets as dinner, watch tv or and play games, go to sleep aka be up all night. And so it goes.

It's like this for some weeks, and I do nothing to make it better. I try to change myself to accept it all, but I can't. I ask Yuki what he's gonna do about the exchange student program to Sweden. And as I expected he had canceled it. I was so sad though I didn't tell him that. I expected it after all, but I still had a little hope that Yuki maybe could still come here.

I contact Ada to talk it out with her, as I do so I am in tears but she can't meet me at the moment. So we decide to meet in the weekend. Days go by and the weekend came, but Ada got sick.

I got more depressed and cried more often, still I kept smiling like nothing ever happen then I wasn't alone. My mask I wear gets heavier and harder to put on. Tears that won't stop to flow appear regularly. Usually I cry my eyes out then I shower.

About a week later Ada comes over to my house, it is slightly awkward. I have to tell her, but it never feels like the right time. Then, I can't take it and say that I need to talk about Yuki.

I tell her about everything that happened, and she looks shocked. Ada understands me, it feels so good to finely tell somebody and cry it out. I think beside my family I have only cried in front of Ada, beside that time in school then I was around 10 years old. Long story short, I cried in the classroom then we moved seats because nobody talked to me and I thought nobody wanted to sit beside me. Though then I started to cry everybody asked that was wrong and stuff. So embarrassing.

Well after I told her, she agreed with me saying it was unfair. I also told her something I never had told anybody before.

I'm suicidal.

As soon I as I told her she began to cry, I did too. I told her my plan, that if nothing gets better till I turn twenty I will probably try to kill myself. Ada almost shouted at me that then I turn twenty she would protect me from myself and watch me like a hawk. I give her a small laugh while saying that I would try my best to get better, and to tell Yuki my real feelings. At last I made her promise to not tell my parents about anything I told her today.