Starving For Help

Chapter Four

           My life changed in a huge way when I decided not to shut up the voices. I was exhausted from trying to block them out. I would go 4-5 days at a time without eating anything at all. On the sixth day I would eat a few pieces of candy. I knew I had to keep my sugar up so I wouldn't pass out. I would suck on lollipops for a little while without biting them. I just wanted to get my sugar up without taking in calories so I would just suck on them and then throw them away. I drank a lot of water to stay feeling full. Believe it or not, that was how I maintained the urge to eat. My stomach started to shrink so much that i rarely got hungry anymore. When I did feel hungry, I would chug a glass of water or drink half a cup of coffee. 

The hardest thing was being in social places. I had to start eating in front of people so no one would catch on to anything. That's when I would make myself throw up. My husband's family had already been voicing concerns (very bluntly) for months, about my sudden weight loss. I had gone from 168 pounds to 110 pounds in a few months. At first I understood their concerns. I appreciated it, actually. It was nice to feel like people cared about me. Until their concern turned into judgment and accusations. They started talking about me to each other and saying some pretty hurtful things. This made me even more self conscious. They didn't understand my weight loss. I couldn't tell them the truth about my anorexia. That was a secret I held on to tightly. I just kept telling them the same thing that I had been telling everyone else. It's from my liver. Everyone knew this was true. I had been having tests done and seeing liver specialists all year. I even had a copy of my endoscopy showing the pictures of my tumors from inside. Eventually- people stopped commenting as frequently about it. That made it easier for me to hide my eating disorder. Although, I became extremely paranoid that they just weren't talking about in front of me anymore. I became paranoid that everyone I encountered could tell I was anorexic. When I would pass a random person in a store talking to someone, if they glanced in my direction my mind would race with things that they must be saying about me. Calling me fat and making jokes that had to be about my weight. I was too far gone in to my eating disorder to even realize that I was losing control of my own brain.

I was finally down to a size 2. I had never been this small in my entire life. Yet, for some reason- no matter what my scale or the tag on my clothes showed me, I still couldn't see it for myself. I still felt fat. I could change my clothes a thousand times (and I often did) yet, I would still find so many flaws with the way I looked in them. I still wasn't happy. I didn't understand how my clothes were getting too big on me. All I could see when I looked in the mirror were huge thighs, fat arms, my stretch marked stomach, and what seemed like a hundred other reasons to hide my body. I still don't feel beautiful.

My husband commented on my rib cage and hip bones sticking out one night. He was very turned off by this. To hear him say that I am getting too skinny, when I don't feel skinny at all- was heartbreaking. Especially since he was half the reason I stopped eating in the first place. He was the one that made me feel like I wasn't attractive anymore after giving birth to his children.  I'm struggling to find self acceptance and conquer a very difficult battle within myself. The last thing I want to hear is that I need to gain weight now. The thought alone terrifies me! Having no one to share this struggle with, has to be the hardest part of it all. Keeping this huge secret from the people I love is like torture. I'm scared to death to open up to them. I'm not sure if it's fear of being judged, because they won't understand this disease. Part of me thinks that it's because I know they won't know how to help me and I don't want to let them down. The other part of me thinks it's because, deep down- I don't want to lose the only escape I have. The only thing i have control over that no one has taken from me yet. Either way, I never planned on ever letting my secret slip across my lips. That was something I knew I could control. I've always been ashamed of it. Talking to people who know nothing about what it means to be consumed by an eating disorder isn't easy. It's like being at an NA meeting with someone who doesn't believe that drug addiction is a disease... Pointless.

Relapsing from an eating disorder that no one even knew about, after 8 years of recovery, was too embarrassing to speak about. I thought about coming out about it a few times. I quickly changed my mind as I thought about all the questions I knew I wouldn't be able to answer. How could anyone understand what I'm going through? How could they know what it's like to be tortured by your own mind 24 hours a day? Would they really know what it's like to become so overwhelmed with guilt after eating anything, that your mind forces you to do dangerous and painful things to your body that you absolutely hate doing? Would they know how hard it is to exercise in secret for hours at a time and literally not be able to stop your body from continuing until you pass out from exhaustion and dehydration? Would they understand that I have no control over eating anymore? It stopped being a decision to eat a long time ago. I literally have to force myself to take just 1 bite of food and even if I am able to find the strength to do so, I then battle another war with myself. To keep it inside of me or make myself puke it up. I rarely ever win that one.

I can already hear them all saying "Why would you want to do that to yourself? All you have to do is stop. Just eat!"  Yeah, because this is clearly what I want for my life. If it was as simple as just stopping, don't you think, I would? I never would have started! No one would understand how it takes over your entire mind and body and becomes you. In the beginning, I thought I had all the control. However, It didn't take long for me to figure out the real truth behind this disturbing mental disorder. I don't get to call the shots.
My anorexia controls me. 

My anorexia has become who I am.