Starving For Help

Chapter Seventeen

   After a very long argument with my husband, we have both decided that it's time for me to seek help. He can't take it anymore and I really can't blame him. He has been trying to force me to eat. When I do he has restricted me from going to the bathroom afterwards. It's become extremely frustrating for me and my anxiety has gotten worse than ever. I can't keep living like this. We both know that if I do, it's only a matter of time before my children no longer have a mother.

   I have reached out to an eating disorder treatment hospital that accepts my insurance. I will be going in for inpatient treatment. My only fear is that it's finally time. Time to talk about it. Time to tell everyone that I have being lying to. I am more nervous about my family finding out about my Anorexia than I am about getting better. I didn't realize how hard it was for me to speak out loud about my disease. I have tried to tell my mom numerous times. Every time I get close, I back out. I am just so scared of disappointing her. I am afraid that my husband's family may judge me. I am afraid of people acting differently towards me after I get better.

   I have never had to do anything this hard. I keep going over in my head what I am going to say to everyone but each time, I pause and reality sets in that I actually have to say this out loud. I freeze up and decide that today is not the day. I'm afraid that I might not get the courage to admit it until I go in for in treatment. By then, reactions will probably be even worse. I didn't think it would be this difficult to admit out loud that I am suffering from a relapse. I have been battling an eating disorder for over a year. It sounds so easy to say on paper. I had no idea that it would be just as hard as recovery...