Starving For Help

Chapter Eleven

   I often find myself wondering if I'll be able to feel normal again. I'm really not sure if I'll ever recover completely from my anorexia. My mind races everyday with "what if" What if I never get better? What if I really don't want to? What if I'm just terrified? What if I do get better? What if I don't get help until it's too late? What if my gastroparesis kills me first? What then? I could drive myself crazy with unanswered questions. If I could find a way to free my mind of this body dysmorphia disorder, maybe I could finally feel free. Maybe she'll go away. I feel like a little girl day dreaming of her future dream wedding with prince charming. Like life is really that simple.
   I can feel myself slipping further and further. I'm losing everything about myself that I once loved. I'm becoming a person I swore I'd never let myself turn into. I can't stop it. I can't stop her. She gets more powerful as each day passes that I don't fight back. Soon I know she's going to take over all of me. I can feel it. Pound by pound. Inch by inch. She's winning. I'm letting go of myself more and more each second and she's happy. She wants me to fail. She wants me to give in. She wants me to be skinny. She needs me to be perfect. She knows that pretty soon I won't be strong enough to fight back at all. That day is getting closer. She's like poison in my veins. Just running through my bloodstream. Dancing around with an evil grin upon her face, as I slip into her twisted ways.
  We both know I'm not going to beat her game. Not on my own. But I am on my own. I always have been. She's taking the very breath from my body and suffocating me from inside of my mind. She's a tricky bitch. She knows exactly what she's doing to me.
   She's slowly killing me. It's only a matter of time. She always gets what she wants from me. I always give in. Why do I always give in???