It gets harder to hide when everyone thinks you're getting better. At this point, I would do anything to be free. I'm so sick of wearing baggy clothes to hide my secret. I can't take lying much longer. I can't keep pretending I'm fine. Every time I think I can conquer it, she laughs in my face. Telling me I'm worthless. Calling me names. I can't take it. I try to eat and ignore her but she knows how to make me feel awful for not obeying her. By 'awful' I mean, absolutely worthless and disgusting. She makes sure I have no choice but to puke it all back up. I hate her. I hate this disease. I want to eat without feeling guilty. I want to feel beautiful without constantly second guessing if every thing I try on makes me look fat.
I was in a clothing store not long ago. I was in the dressing room trying on jeans. I could hear the people in the stall down the hallway. It was a mother and daughter. The girl seemed to be about 14 years old. I couldn't help but overhear their entire conversation. It made me sick. The girl's mother kept telling her that she needs to go on a diet because the clothes she was trying on were too tight. She was very rude about it and I could hear the embarrassment in the girl's voice. My heart broke for her. I remember being her. I remember being told those words as a little girl by my very own mother. Part of me would love to blame my eating disorder on my mother, but the other part of me knows she was right. At that time though, I didn't know that. All I knew was that my own mother thinks I'm fat. That must mean i'm not good enough. I wanted to go up to that girl and tell her that she was beautiful. I wanted to tell her that she was perfect the way she was and not to listen to those hurtful words. I wanted to. But I didn't. Because I knew if I did, that would make me a hypocrite. But looking back now, I wish I would have. Maybe if someone had done that for me, it might have saved me from years of self torture.
I hate that I want so badly to help young girls struggling with what I have always struggled with. But who would take advice from someone who relapsed after being in recovery for 8 years? I hate that I let her get to me again! I hate that I can't get rid of her now! How could I be of any help to anyone else when I can't even help myself now? I feel like I've run out of options. I just want to tell someone that I've been losing this terrifying battle with anorexia for over a year now. I'm scared. I've never felt this kind of fear before and I don't know how to take it. I just want to let someone in but I don't know where I would even begin. I'm scared of keeping this secret any longer, but I think i'm more scared to see the reactions of the people I love finding out my dirty little secret. I'm stuck in this hell and I feel like there's no getting out now.
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Starving For Help
Non-Fiction"I smile everyday. I live my life like nothing is wrong with me. No one would ever guess that I'm screaming inside or that I've secretly been hiding this huge part of my life. No one would ever know that I cry myself to sleep at night or that deep d...
