I always knew in my heart that one day this disease will be the death of me. But I don't think I ever really believed it wholeheartedly. Until I began vomiting blood. For the first time since my relapse, I felt true fear.
Laying in that hospital bed, I knew I had to tell the doctor the truth. I was ready. Or so I thought. When he asked me if I knew how I developed my gastroparesis, I thought, this is it. This is where it's going to end. This is the moment to be honest. Finally. But I froze. With tears in my eyes I simply said "No." I desperately wanted to blurt it out. I wanted to finally get it out of my head and into words out loud. In front of someone who could actually help me. I don't really know what I was so afraid of. But the fear was bigger than me. I didn't even know how to speak for a minute. I was screaming inside for help. But I was terrified of asking for it. It was as if she took over my mouth, and the words I wanted to say got pushed aside and lost behind my fear of admitting my problem.
I left the hospital feeling so empty. As we drove home in the freezing cold, I felt nothing. I felt like I didn't even exist anymore. Like the person I was yesterday, was just gone. In that moment I realized, she was. I don't even have the capability to speak for myself any longer. She has taken over every single sense in my body. She's already taken over my thoughts, my sight, my feelings, and most importantly my ability to stop her. Now she has control of the words I want to say out loud, as well.
I'm powerless. She's made me so weak. I never imagined that it could ever go this far. I'm trapped in a body that I hate with no control of it. How did I let this happen to myself? Why hasn't anyone tried to help me? I want to feel things again! I want to be a person again! I want my life back! She laughs at my weakness. Every pathetic thought in my head only makes her stronger. This sickness is destroying me inside and out. I have come to the realization that I'm never actually going to get better. There is no recovery for a fucked up mind.
I think I might actually be too far gone now.
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Starving For Help
Non-Fiction"I smile everyday. I live my life like nothing is wrong with me. No one would ever guess that I'm screaming inside or that I've secretly been hiding this huge part of my life. No one would ever know that I cry myself to sleep at night or that deep d...
