I saw 2 of my doctors recently and I admitted that I had relapsed. They were both very concerned. They stressed how important it is for me to start treatment. They both told me that I am severely dehydrated and malnourished. I think the scariest part was when my digestive disease specialist told me that I am at risk for kidney failure. He said that my kidneys could become infected and ultimately shut down and I will die. He also said that if I lose any more weight it could potentially be very dangerous for my body and my heart. Reminding me that I have children who might not have a mother by Christmas time, if I don't end this vicious cycle I'm in. The very next day I lost 3 more pounds.
I took his words seriously but I don't know how to function like a normal person anymore. My family doctor said that my stomach isn't able to handle certain things anymore because it's very fragile right now. That made me nervous. She wanted to give me a higher dose of my depression/anxiety medication. She also prescribed me to an antipsychotic called Zyprexa. It's used to treat bipolar disorder, psychosis, schizophrenia, and anorexia nervosa. I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 12. My psychosis didn't develop until my relapse came to play. Looking in the mirror without crying is almost impossible these days. I don't see what others claim to see. I see one hundred flaws that must be improved. I see huge thighs and cellulite. I see stretch marks and saggy skin. I see fat... everywhere.
I've been taking the Zyprexa for 8 days. It makes me sleepy. I wake up feeling like a zombie. I've gained 1.2 pounds since starting it. That's been really hard to handle. To most people 1.2 pounds sounds like nothing. To an anorexic person, 1.2 pounds is absolutely terrifying. All the work you've done to accomplish losing those pounds, including destroying your health. It's like being suffocated by your own hands and no matter how many people call you skinny, you still can't get air. It's torture. Pure torture.
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Starving For Help
No Ficción"I smile everyday. I live my life like nothing is wrong with me. No one would ever guess that I'm screaming inside or that I've secretly been hiding this huge part of my life. No one would ever know that I cry myself to sleep at night or that deep d...
