As weeks went by, my pain started spreading throughout my entire stomach. It was getting much worse and I was beginning to worry that it wasn't just my liver anymore. Something else had to be causing this. It was Thanksgiving morning and I had been awake in bed all night in pain. It was my lower left side now. The pain was so excruciating. I couldn't move for hours. I just laid in bed clutching my side. I remembered one of my specialists telling me, my colonoscopy had shown that my stomach was having trouble emptying food. He suggested I eat more fiber. I thought that might be the problem, so I tried to ignore it. I hoped it would just go away on it's own.
My mom had been visiting for the holiday. She lives 3 hours away so she doesn't visit as often as I would like her to. She spent hours cooking that day. By dinner time, I was still in so much pain, I didn't want to get off of the couch. I could tell she was mad that I wasn't eating. I hadn't eaten anything since she'd been there. I didn't want her to be upset, so I picked at some turkey in front of her and pretended to eat some side dishes. I didn't throw up that day. I was in too much pain. It got worse a few hours after eating. The next night, I couldn't take it anymore. I went to the emergency room. I hate hospitals, especially emergency rooms. The only time I actually drag myself to the hospital, is when I'm really concerned. The pain was getting so bad. I felt like I had no other option at that point.
After running a few tests the doctor confirmed the cause of my pain. It did, in fact, have to do with my stomach not digesting food properly. There was actually a name for it. Gastroparesis. Which means "stomach paralysis." In other words, my stomach becomes paralyzed after eating. I can't digest the food I eat. It's a chronic illness. There's no cure. As the doctor was telling me how she figured this out, she said to me, "You're extremely thin, but your stomach inside, is huge. The food has no where to go." This explains why I always feel so bloated after eating anything. To try to explain it- It feels like my stomach is a balloon and someone fills it up with tons of small rocks all jammed inside with no air. It's painful.
After hearing this scary news, I turned to the internet to do some research. I quickly regretted that as I read article after article written by doctors. In bold font- I stared at the causes of this disease. My heart started thumping and I was more scared now than ever before, as I discovered that I had unknowingly done this to myself. The very first cause I noticed was Anorexia Nervosa. My eating disorder had given me an incurable and very painful- chronic disease! I, then decided to look up what can happen to me due to this disease. I clicked through page after page of horrifying images. Girls with Anorexia that had feeding tubes sticking out of their stomachs! Some had to have IV nutrition and even feeding tubes in their noses. I read stories of girls with eating disorders who passed away after losing their battle with Gastroparesis. I sat there staring at the screen in disbelief. This can't be happening to me. They were wrong. I'm not that bad. Am I? I don't feel like I've gone too far. What's going to happen to me now? Am I going to die? I'm not even as skinny as these girls... I couldn't get these thoughts out of my mind. I'm 24 years old. I have 3 small children who need me. I didn't know how to handle this news. For the first time since my relapse- it felt real. And I was scared. I mean really, deeply, terrified.
What the fuck did I do to myself?
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Starving For Help
No Ficción"I smile everyday. I live my life like nothing is wrong with me. No one would ever guess that I'm screaming inside or that I've secretly been hiding this huge part of my life. No one would ever know that I cry myself to sleep at night or that deep d...
