Have you ever had something mentally destroy you so bad that it consumes you? That's what she does to me every single minute of every single day. I can't think. I just react. She's turned me in to a zombie, who feeds off of starvation. Ironic, I know.
Today was day 6 of starvation for me. I didn't even know it was possible. After day 3 the hunger just kind of disappeared. I wasn't even hungry. It felt awesome! Until today. Day 6 is a tough one. I could barely stand up. My body felt so numb. I couldn't make my hands stop shaking. I got dizzier and dizzier as the day went on. Finally, I betrayed her. I didn't have a choice. My husband wouldn't allow it any longer. I could tell he was getting to his breaking point. So I took 3 bites of a cheeseburger. But she wouldn't stand for it. As soon as I got to a bathroom, I immediately stuck my finger down my throat. As much as I tried to resist the urge, it was stronger than me.
It's difficult to purge when my husband is around. He removed the scale from our bathroom so I can't see my weight any longer. He follows me to the bathroom to make sure I don't throw up. I have to wait until he's too busy to notice or he's in another room. He usually doesn't know but he caught me tonight. It's taking a huge toll on our relationship, but I don't know what to do about it. I'm addicted to something way stronger than me and I have no one to talk to about it. I keep it all held inside and it's mentally killing me!
I want to get help, but I know that if I do, life as I know it will never be the same. I'm sick of lying to people. I hate this more than anything. If my secret gets out, I know how people will react. My mother might even disown me for making her worry about me. My kids would be so confused. I just wanna wake up from this nightmare. I hate myself a little more every day. I hate when people comment on my weight loss and I hate it when they don't. It doesn't matter to me that everyone thinks I'm too skinny, because I know I'm not. I look in the mirror and think to myself, how could anyone not find me disgusting? All this fat! I can't handle it! I'm not ready for it to come out. I'm not ready to be judged by closed minds, who could never understand this disease.
I don't wanna die, but I'm terrified to get help. Where do you go from there? What am I supposed to do? I'm falling apart and no one knows. I'm dying inside and I can't stop the pain, I'm inflicting on myself. Some days I just wish this disease would finally kill me so I could stop suffering this way. Other days, I can't imagine ever leaving my children. They're my entire world.
I'm too exhausted to fight back. I can't even try anymore. I'm beginning to think there really is no light at the end for me. I'm doomed to be trapped in this caged in world, inside of my head. I don't even know how it got this bad. I don't know how I let it control me to the point of no return.
How do I defeat a demon who knows every single one of my weaknesses? As much as it kills me to admit, I think I've already lost this battle. How do I come back from this?
YOU ARE READING
Starving For Help
Non-Fiction"I smile everyday. I live my life like nothing is wrong with me. No one would ever guess that I'm screaming inside or that I've secretly been hiding this huge part of my life. No one would ever know that I cry myself to sleep at night or that deep d...
