Certain days are better than others. I cherish those days. The ones where I don't feel weak and tired. I actually want to get out of bed. I want to be a part of life. I love those days. I almost feel normal again. They never last too long, though. I always end up in a moment of desperation. Begging the voice in my head to let me have one guilt free day. Just one. That's all I need. When she dismisses my request, that's when those days turn bad. That's when the depression sets in. The sadness overcomes me. The guilt... The guilt consumes me.
I feel like I'm being held captive in my own body by my own mind. Trying to escape is like trying to walk on water. I just can't seem to do it. When I attempt to eat, my stomach aches with pain. It's almost as if my body wants me to vomit. It knows I can't take the pain. My only alternative is to rid myself of the cause. It's teasing me now. Letting me know it owns me. I want to make it stop. I want to break free from this awful disease that has taken over every part of my life. I want to feel like a person again. I want to be happy.
I'm afraid of each upcoming day. I know it'll be the same as the last. Hiding from the ones I love. Pretending to be happy and normal. Faking a smile so believable that even, I, would think it's real. It's depressing. I surround myself with the sound of my children's laughter. They always know just how to melt my heart. If it weren't for them, my life would literally be as empty as it sometimes feels. They are my saviors. For them, I know I have to be a survivor. I just can't help but feel guilty when I'm with them. I feel like because I'm a mother, my eating disorder makes me a selfish person. I know that what I am doing to myself is killing me. Taking me away from those 3 innocent lives who depend on me and love me. Yet, I can't find the strength to fight back and win this battle with myself. Does that mean my children are less important to me than my body weight? Am I really that terrible? I love them. I love them so damn much! I hate my eating disorder.
So, what gives? Why can't I get better for my sons?
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Starving For Help
Non-Fiction"I smile everyday. I live my life like nothing is wrong with me. No one would ever guess that I'm screaming inside or that I've secretly been hiding this huge part of my life. No one would ever know that I cry myself to sleep at night or that deep d...
