People stopped asking questions about my weight. No one even mentions it anymore. As much as I thought I hated it, I kind of miss it. I hated having to lie about it. I hated that people would make their own assumptions about it. But I liked that my weight loss was noticeable. It made me feel like all of it was for a reason. Like what I was doing was working. Now, I feel like I'm no longer making progress. My weight has been fluctuating between 115 and 118 every week. I'm not quite sure why but I despise it. Everyday that I'm not back down to 110, is a depressing day. That's when I was happiest.
I should be proud that I lost 60 pounds in a year. I should feel accomplished. But my mirror doesn't show me what I need to see. It only shows the parts of me that still disgust me. I focus on those parts so much that it's all I can see now. It feels like I'm being pulled under in to a tidal wave every time I don't lose at least 3 pounds a week. I need it now. I need it just to maintain a smile. I still have days where I can't even walk outside to check my mailbox because I'm so caught up in my appearance. I feel so fat. I feel so ugly. I feel so helpless. It's hard to leave my house when I feel so disgusted by myself.
I hear how insane I sound. I know, it's not normal. But I can't control it. I can't just turn off my emotions. If it was that easy, they wouldn't call it a disease. I'm sick. I know that. I've accepted it. But I know it's not that easy for others to accept. That's why I still haven't opened up to anyone after all this time. It's been over a year since my relapse began. I've been putting so much pressure on myself and torturing my body so dangerously, that I developed a chronic illness from it. Something I will never recover from because it can't be cured. You'd think that would be enough to end my anorexia for good. You'd think it was that simple. It's not. It never will be.
As soon as people start to see anorexia for what it is, a mental disease, it won't be judged so cruelly by those who don't understand it. It's not just about losing weight. It's about control. It's about self acceptance. It's about security. It's about perfection. Once it begins, it sucks you in. It takes your soul. It conquers your mind. It becomes a battle that seems impossible to win. It's not just about being skinny. It's about being a completely different person. Whether you thought you wanted to or not. You don't get to make your own decisions anymore.
Welcome to Anorexia. Your hostesses name is Ana. She'll take over from here.
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Starving For Help
Non-Fiction"I smile everyday. I live my life like nothing is wrong with me. No one would ever guess that I'm screaming inside or that I've secretly been hiding this huge part of my life. No one would ever know that I cry myself to sleep at night or that deep d...
