Poems

Without Him

It's been 213 days since I last saw your face. I counted everyday since we've been apart.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. I have a compulsion to count our time apart: hours, days, weeks, months.

You broke my heart for a third, then a fourth, and a for a fifth time after I said 'I only give one second chance.'
I told myself I don't love you anymore. I just gave you a sixth chance.

I called you when my world was falling apart and I knew you weren't busy. For days, I received was a automated answering machine.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. Yet I still need the sound of your voice.

I swore I've never hurt so bad as I cried for the fifteenth night in a row. No one held me as I broke apart. No one loved me as I screamed for physical, even verbal contact.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. I'm craving your presence like the rising sun craves a new sky to cross.

There's this boy I've become close to and he is nothing like you. He doesn't act like you, he doesn't smell like you, he doesn't look like you. He isn't you but he still reminds me of you. Somehow soft caramel brown eyes remind me of harsh and deep blue ones. I've come close to falling for him many times. I could love him. And the attention he gives me attempts to masks the hole, the hurt, you've left in my heart.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. The hole in my life may be covered but eventually I'll trip and fall back into your trap.

The pain has become too much. I've shut everyone out. I've lost all my friends. My family has become concerned. I've spent all my days with misery and addiction. Addiction says she'll help me forget you. Addictions a liar. Misery does nothing but laugh at my repetitive mistakes.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. Everyone disagrees.

The tears, the pain, the love has all disappeared and has left me numb. I've been surviving my days instead of living them. I'm a shadow of a person. I can't make myself stop starring blankly at these four walls.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. My once beautiful mind, blooming with thoughts, is as silent as the deepest part of the ocean.

My parents have finally had enough. Today they sent me to rehab. I swore I'd never come back the same but little did I know I already wasn't the same person I was last year. I didn't know I had a fight still in me. As two large men dragged me away, I cussed and screamed at nothing in particular. From the corner of m vision my mother cried realizing her 'baby girl' was no longer a baby.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. Why don't you love me back?

Six months in rehab. Half a year is how long it took me to rid you from my mind. You don't cross my mind but once a week now. I had to relearn everything. How to live. How to feel. How to love. I had to relearn everything that made me human. Mom cried happy tears this time, when I came home, and I did too.
I told myself I don't love you anymore. I sound convincing. If I could fool my therapist, maybe I could fool myself?

Ive finally forgotten your touch. Forgotten what your last name sounded like with my first. I've think been happy. Something still feels like it's missing. I learn to live with the fact that I'll never be whole. Today around nine p.m. You texted me saying 'I still loved you.' For the first time in a long time, I laughed. You loved me? After all I went through? All the nights I never closed my eyes while you slept like a baby. All the months I spent alone at rehab while you spent them with multiple other girls. Around ten you sent another text, "please give me another chance."
Once again, I told myself I don't love you anymore. I hit the send button replying with a short 'no'. I felt no pain, no sorrow for putting me before you. And I knew I would no longer have to tell myself that I didn't love you because now it was true.