The Sweetest Feeling

Chapter Fourteen

"You were pregnant with my baby? Why didn't you just tell me?" I can tell he is hurt. "I didn't know till after. The doctor said I was about seven weeks but I lost the baby because of what happened. They made me take a tablet, I bled for a few days and then I had a scan to make sure it was all gone. I thought you would hate me" I say breaking down. He grabs my face, looking deep in my eyes, he is crying too. "I could never hate you, you're my best friend. Please don't shut me out anymore, let me be there for you. Let's finally deal with this together" he says. I cry even harder. He holds me close to him for hours, we shift places so we are lying on the couch he wraps his arms around me and gently kisses my temple. I fall asleep feeling safe for the first time in years. I'm so glad he is here, I won't push him away this time; I need him in my life my best friend in the whole world.

I wake to Nathan shaking me. "Emily wake up, it's just a dream. Emily you're ok. I'm here" I am dripping in sweat, my heart is racing. "I'm sorry I should have warned you about that" I say. "You were screaming, I was in the toilet I thought someone had broken in, until I came back and saw you thrashing about in your sleep. Do you have nightmares a lot?"
"Yes most nights, what time is it?"
"It's nearly 5am, we should try and get some more sleep, come let's go upstairs" he says.
We walk up stairs hand in hand and enter my bedroom. "Wow, it's exactly the same!" he says looking around. I sit on the edge of the bed, feeling emotionally drained. I quickly grab some pyjamas and ask him to turn around, he looks surprised but I don't want him to see my scars. Climbing into bed I pull back the duvet for him and pat the bed. He smiles, takes off his clothes and then gets in next to me. "I mean it Emily, I can't lose you again. I'm here to stay and you're not getting rid of me this time" he says. "I don't want you going anywhere, I need you Curly" I say. He smiles the biggest, brightest smile ever. "Go to sleep, Charms"

I wake a few hours later to find I'm alone. Where has he gone? I look in the mirror and wipe the sleep from my eyes. You can see the kitchen ahead of you when you come down the stairs and I can see the table is full of food. There are containers filled with every breakfast food you can imagine and I spot a large box of 'Lucky Charms'.
Nathan comes out of the living room holding a single white rose, smiling at me. "Morning, Charms" he says. "Morning Curly, I can't believe you've gone to all this trouble just for me. Thank you"
"You're worth it. I didn't know what you would want so I got everything, there is more, grab what you want and come with me" We pile our plates with as much food as we can manage and I follow him outside. He has cleaned my Nan's patio furniture, placing a crisp white table cloth over the table and a vase with beautiful pink and white roses in the centre. The table is set and there is a bottle of champagne in an ice bucket, I can see a teapot, milk and orange juice as well. I have to blink back the tears- wow I need to get a grip on my emotions- we sit down and get stuck in. "Do you want a cup of tea or a champagne cocktail?" We both go for the champagne cocktails, he proposes a toast. "To new beginnings" he says as we clink glasses.

We spend the next few hours talking and trying to get through the mountain of food he bought. "I practically had to wrestle those Lucky Charms off the guy in the shop, he said he was saving them for someone, until I told him I was getting them for you, then he was over the moon, didn't stop talking about you" he laughs. "Yes, Barry only gets them in for me" I say. The conversation has been fun and lighthearted so far but I know he is about to get serious. "Emily, I was in shock last night when you told me you were pregnant, I just want to say I'm so sorry you had to go through that alone and I wish I could have been there to hold your hand. Does anyone know?" He asks taking hold of my hand now. "No, I didn't tell anyone; it wasn't anyone else's business but ours and I know I should have told you, I'm sorry about that" I say "I want us to go back to the way things were, but there are still things I don't know about you. You're fighting demons and I get that but don't fight them alone, let me be there with you" he says tracing his thumb across my fingers. "What do you want to know?' I ask, even though I know exactly what's coming. "Your childhood, you never talk about it, but you talk in your sleep so I know something bad happened" he says. My childhood is something I have never told anyone about, not even Evie. I understand why he wants me to tell him though, it's to prove I trust him and so he can trust me to finally let him in. I take a deep breath; this is going to be hard. I've never had to say it all out loud before, it's all just engraved on my brain, like a constant reminder but I am ready to tell him. I just hope he doesn't pity me, I hate that.

"I was born in Galway, in Ireland. My Mum was only eighteen, my dad was older about twenty-three I think. They wanted a little boy but got me instead. My dad hated me from the start and my mum couldn't cope, so they both turned to drink. I was neglected, seriously underweight and always covered in bruises; my dad used to beat me. I was only one when he hit me for the first time and he just never stopped. They managed to hide it well and didn't let my Nan visit, I was about four when I got the worst beating, my dad was so angry. I had spilled his beer by accident so he broke my arm and a few ribs. They told the hospital I fell, but the police were called and my Nan flew over, she was given full custody of me and the police arrested my mum and dad. They were sentenced to five years in prison. I remember my dirty clothes, always being hungry, the house was so filthy and my mattress was stained with blood and urine" I say pausing for breath. "What happened to your parents?" "My dad was stabbed to death in the prison yard about six months after he was sentenced and my mum did two years before coming out and going straight back on the booze. She killed herself a few years later. That's why I am so grateful to my Nan, she bought me back here and raised me herself" I say. He looks at me for a moment then says "So what happened with Rich, must have brought back awful memories for you and your Nan"
"Yes. I just kept telling myself I couldn't break. You see people like that want to see you broken and begging. So I never gave him that satisfaction" I say. "You're so strong, I admire you so much, after all you have been through you can still smile"
"It's the people I care about that keep me smiling" I say "I hate that you went through that, you were never hugged as a child were you? That's why you have such an issue with it because you don't understand it" he says. "I don't like to be hugged, it feels strange to me, until you held me that first time, it made sense and it felt right. Come I want to show you something" I say standing up and heading inside. We go up to my room and I sit him on the bed. I go into my wardrobe and pull down the converse shoebox from the shelf, I hand it to him. "What's this?"
"Open it" I tell him. He does and I see the shock on his face but it quickly turns into a smile as he pulls everything out bit by bit. There is everything I put in the box from our day in Covent Garden plus the card and 'Me to You' bear he got me when I was in hospital. I added more photos of the two of us on nights out to the box as well. He looks at me, his eyes threatening to spill his tears. "You kept all this stuff, why?"
"Because, it's important to me, you're important to me. I always hoped we could be friends again but I needed to cling to the things that reminded me of you in case we didn't" I say. He pulls me to him and kisses me, it's perfect. I feel my senses come alive. We pull apart laughing and smiling at each other. "Let's take this slow, I don't want to rush anything" I say. "Me neither, I want things to work out this time" he says. I put the stuff back in the box and we go downstairs to tidy up, after we get dressed we decide to head to Regents Park it's a beautiful day. I am happy, content and feeling peaceful. I can't wait to fill that box with new memories now I have this amazing person back in my life.

Nathan stayed Saturday night too, before going home early on Sunday. We don't want people to know we are friends again yet, well Jeff knows but he won't tell anyone. I'm not ready to share him and I think he feels the same. He is coming round tonight to help me go over some songs for my gig tomorrow; I suggested we get some beers and a takeaway. We have spoken on the phone every night and texted while at work, I can't seem to get enough of him. I waited till this morning to cancel with the girls.

Girls I'm exhausted, been a long week. In need of an early night, you's have fun xx

Ali replies first.

Not again sweet cheeks :( you better come out next week xxx

I'm more concerned with what Evie will say, she doesn't like it when I don't show up, she worries I might be heading back to that miserable place, where I want to be alone. She would be heartbroken if I shut her out again.

What's going on with you? If you're not there next week, I will send out a search party. Seriously!! Xx