The Sweetest Feeling

Chapter Eighteen

I am babysitting tonight for Jeff and Kelly; I haven't seen Olivia in ages so I'm extremely excited. They have said I can bring Nathan because they are not going to be back till Sunday afternoon. I know they like him, I am so glad to have their approval. When we are outside I turn to him. "You ready for this? Olivia can be quite a handful" I say. "Only one way to find out" he replies. I ring the bell and hear Olivia start to scream and shout. Jeff opens the door smiling; he definitely looks like he could use the break. "Emileeeeee" Olivia says throwing herself at me I catch her and lift her up high, spinning her round. She giggles hysterically. I take her into the living room and set her down amongst her toys. "Olivia, this is Nathan he is Aunty Emily's friend" I say. "Nice to meet you Olivia, you have some really cool toys there" he says. She eyes him up for a moment before smiling and handing him a dolly. "Come, sit" she orders. I head into the kitchen and see Jeff stressing. "I will do her dinner, you go have a shower and start getting ready" I insist. "Thanks Emily, you're a star" he says kissing my head and darting upstairs. "Olivia, come help Aunty Emily in the kitchen" I call to her. She comes running in followed closely by Nathan. I sit her on the counter and she helps me to make vegetable pasta for the three of us, we sit at the table together. "She likes you" I say. "Yeah, we are best friends now; watch out Charms" Olivia smiles at us. "Best fwiends" she sing-songs making us laugh. "Olivia, how old will you be next week?" She holds up three fingers and beams at us proudly. "What do you want for your birthday?" She thinks for a minute before saying "Tink" "What's that?" Nathan asks. "She means Tinkerbell, she is obsessed with her and anything Disney" I say "I see you're getting her on board already" he says. "Of course, I need someone to share my obsession with and she gets it"

Jeff and Kelly leave about seven. They sneak out while I am giving Olivia a bath, once she is in her pyjamas, she picks her favourite storybooks and says goodnight to Nathan. Giving him a cuddle and big sloppy kiss, I read to her for about twenty minutes. "Night Emilieeeee" she says giving me a cuddle. It breaks my heart every time. "Goodnight, my gorgeous girl" I tuck her in and switch on her night light before tiptoeing out and closing the door. I quickly tidy up the bathroom and go to do the kitchen but find Nathan already doing it. "Well, aren't you the perfect little housewife" I tease. He dries his hands and pulls me to him. "I was going to say the same thing about you. Olivia adores you and you're so good with her" he says. "Thanks, she melts my heart" I say. We go and cuddle up on the couch, making sure the baby monitor is switched on. Jeff and Kelly don't use it anymore but I like to be able to hear her. "Seeing you two together, it makes me think about how things could have been with our baby" he says taking hold of my hand. "I think about it too" I admit. "She would have been the same age as Olivia now and a beauty just like you" he says. "What if it was a boy?" He shakes his head "Wouldn't have been, trust me. Your genes are stronger than mine no doubt" We fall silent for a while both lost in thoughts of what it would be like to have a three year old running around. "Do you see us having another baby in the future?" He asks.
This is something I have wrestled with a lot over the years. I know I'm good with kids and I adore Olivia but I worry I will be like my mum. She was incapable of loving me unconditionally like a mother is supposed to; I don't think my mum loved anyone not even my dad. I think that's where I get it from. What if I have a child and I can't tell them I love them, what sort of mother would I be? I can't admit this to Nathan right now though. "I'm not sure, let's just wait and see what happens" I say. He looks disappointed "I am not saying no, just that we don't have to think about it right now, Curly" I say gently. He kisses me to reassure me that I have eased his mind.

The next morning is brilliant, me and Olivia make Mickey Mouse shaped pancakes and sing along to Disney songs at the top of our voices; Nathan continues to watch us with hope in his eyes. I know he is still thinking about our future. I send him out to get bits for a roast dinner, call Nan to tell her what time to be round and plonk Olivia in front of her favourite Disney film while I tidy through the house. Jeff and Kelly come home to a spotless house and a Sunday dinner, they are over the moon, Nan shows up and we all sit together enjoying the company and food. "This one is a keeper so look after her" Kelly says to Nathan at the dinner table. "I intend to Kelly, I can promise you that" he says. I feel my cheeks flush slightly but it feels great to hear him say things like that.

The following Saturday is Olivia's birthday party; Me, Nathan, Nan and the girls are all going. I have been to the Disney store, gone completely overboard as usual and wrapped all her gifts, it felt nice putting mine and Nathan's name in the card, he even insisted on giving me half the money but I told him no, he pays for everything and spoils me as often as he can already. We arrive early to help set up. Nan has made the food with help from me, Jeff and Nathan are putting up decorations and helping the bouncy castle men set up and Kelly is running around stressing. I pour her a glass of wine and take Olivia upstairs to put on her party dress. "Thank you Emily, I don't know what I would do without you sometimes" Kelly says kissing my cheek when we come back down.

The hours tick by and people begin to go home, leaving only a few of us. Kelly's parents died when she was young and she was an only child like me and Jeff doesn't speak to his parents or his older brother so we have all become part of their family. Jeff and Kelly are like my brother and sister, Olivia calls me and the girls Aunty and my Nan she calls Nanny Mary. She has opened most of her presents it's just the ones from Nathan and I left, she tears off the wrapping paper and jumps up and down with excitement. She runs at me and throws her arms around me; I am filled with so much joy at that moment I could just burst. She leaps onto Nathan's lap, hugging him tight. "Thank you, Uncle Nathan" she squeaks. When we are saying our goodbyes, I come down to her level; she leans in hugging me again. "I love you Emilieeeeee" she says. "I love you too, Princess" I say without thinking. My hand flies over my mouth as I realise what I have just said. I can't believe it, hearing her say it to me for the first time was just magic, it was so natural to say it back.
"Are you ok, Emily?" Jeff asks. "Yes, sorry I'm fine. See you Monday" I say kissing his cheek and hurrying down the steps. I am quiet the whole way home, my brain going into overdrive. I can't believe how easy it was to actually say it. I do love her, she means the world to me; I don't understand why I have been holding this all in for so long. I feel like saying it again but for some reason I can't, I look at Nan and then Nathan but the words don't come out.

Once we get home I check my phone and see I have a voicemail, it's from my friend Suzy "Hi Emily darling, listen I just heard back from that audition you did a while ago for the revival of 'Sweet Charity'. They loved you and want to see you again on Wednesday. Call me and I will give you the details. Kisses" I play the message again to make sure I heard right. This is amazing, I thought they weren't interested because I hadn't heard anything; it's still only a call back though so I won't tell anyone just in case.