The Sweetest Feeling

Chapter Twenty-Six

Thursday afternoon I've been to the doctors and seen the solicitor with my Uncle. Nan left me the house, it's all paid for and its mine. I just can't believe it. She has left her money to Uncle Dermot, enough to cover funeral costs and some extra for him and Joanna. Now they can finally buy the house in Spain and move there permanently. I rush home to tell Nathan the news. He has gone to dinner with Daniel and I'm not sure when he will be back. I don't mind, he deserves to have some fun for a change. I think it's time I take a look in Nan's room anyway and see how big a job it's going to be, plus I need to distract myself. I pause to take a breath before I push down on the handle, I've never been in here before, it's like I am invading her privacy. I switch on the light, I never realised how big this room actually is. I open up her huge old fashioned dark wood wardrobe expecting to find it crammed with clothes, she was always well dressed but it's only half full, everything is neat on hangers or folded on the shelves and she only has four pairs of shoes. Her drawers are the same, at least three are empty. I am so busy looking in drawers I don't notice all the photos on the windowsill, they look like they are all of me but as I look closely I quickly realise it's not me at all, they are all of my mum.

I've never had a clear picture in my mind of my mum, I think I blocked out what she looked like a long time ago. But as I stare into the face of the woman who brought me into this world I am saddened to see I am the spitting image of her. Why did this woman neglect me, why didn't she love me, there are so many questions I will never get the answers too. I sit down on the bed and pick up the book on Nan's bedside table; it's some kind of journal. She has been jotting down her thoughts for the last year or so, I cross my legs and begin to read.

Hours go by but I am lost in secret revelations and soaked in my tears. She has kept so much from me over the years, everything she has felt it's all here in black and white. I am about to combust with all these emotions flitting about, I stare at the photos again and something snaps within me. I pick up the first one and smash it hard on the floor, it feels good so I smash another and another till every single one is smashed to pieces, stamping on some for good measure and screaming.
Years of built up anger have poured out of me and know the sadness engulfs me. I fall to the floor amongst the glass and sob for that little girl.

I don't know how much of that he witnessed but Nathan is beside me, he lifts me into his strong arms taking me to our room and placing me gently in bed, tucking me under the duvet. He disappears for a few minutes then climbs in next to me; he doesn't say anything just lets me cry while holding me close. I wake early and it's clear to me what I have to do, once I have cleared up all the mess in Nan's room, I grab her journal, find all the documents I will need and pack a bag with a few clothes. I grab my passport and fire up the laptop, a few clicks and it's sorted. I dress quickly. I have to pick up Nan's Ashes today from the funeral home; just as I am finishing my tea Nathan comes down.
"What's going on, Charms?"
"I'm going to pick up Nan's Ashes in a bit" I say avoiding eye contact.
"You know I meant the bag Emily. So I will ask you again. What's going on?"
"There is something I need to do and I need to do it alone. I found this yesterday, it's some kind of journal Nan kept and her dying wish was to go home. Back to Ireland; I have to go, I have to do that for her. Plus seeing those photos of my mum and reading about how much everything effected Nan over the years has made me realise something. I have to face my demons once and for all"
"Then let me come with you, I can help" he says taking my hands and stepping so we are face to face. "You do help, you have helped so much but I need to do this, by myself" I say gently. "But you promised not to shut me out, I thought we were going to face your demons together"
"I promise I am not shutting you out. Please I need to do this and I need you to trust me. I will be gone for a few days tops. Nathan, I love you, I have said yes to marrying you, this is not me running away. For once I am taking charge and facing everything head on. Please trust me" I say wrapping my arms around him and nuzzling his neck. He hugs me back and lets out a huge sigh. "I don't like the idea of you doing this alone, but I understand. I am scared I will lose you and I can't lose you Emily, it will kill me. Just promise me a few things"
"Anything"
"Phone me every day, however many times you need to; tell me what else it says in that journal and promise you will come back to me" he says looking at the floor. I lift his chin and look deep into his eyes. "Nathan, I promise I will phone you, I will tell you everything and I am coming back to you"

He wanted to see me off at the airport but I said no, it was hard enough saying goodbye at the house. I am already in the air, Nan's Ashes stowed in the overhead compartment, I have no idea what I will do or find but I am not scared. I need to close the door on the past, especially now when everything is about to change.