The Sweetest Feeling

Chapter Twenty-Five

I've been engaged for a week now and I don't feel any different. I do keep checking to make sure the ring is still on my finger. We have only told Nan, Nathan's parents and Daniel but so far they have all been overjoyed for us.

It's been two weeks since I had an argument with the girls and I haven't heard from any of them, Jeff has called and we had a nice long chat but Kelly wasn't home. I wish I could share this with them but I'm too proud to make the first move and so is Evie. I am just getting ready for our Saturday evening performance, I am already exhausted which just isn't like me, I still don't feel right. I will definitely book an appointment at the doctors next week. My mobile rings it's Mavis, Nan had been rushed to hospital.

I've been sitting here for an hour now and I still don't know what's happening. She collapsed. That's all the information I have. Nathan has been brilliant, talking to the nurses and phoning everyone for me. I look at her lying so still and notice how old she actually is, I didn't notice her ageing over the years, she looks pretty much the same as the day I met her. I remember that day it plays like a movie in my mind. She walked into my hospital room, quiet and calm, I remember thinking she was so clean and smelled nice. "Emily, I am your Nan my name is Mary and I'm here to take you home with me" she leaned towards me but I flinched and instead she patted my hand. I take hold of her hand now and squeeze it, letting her know I'm here for her.

Nathan walks in with the doctor followed by my Uncle and Mavis "Are you all family?" I want to punch him in the face but Nathan steps in "Yes, can you just tell us what's wrong with her"
"I'm afraid I don't have good news, her illness has finally taken its toll on her body; it's just a matter of time. I am truly sorry"
I think I'm having an outer body experience, like I'm floating above watching what's happening below. This can't be real. I am brought crashing back down when I hear someone screaming the word no, that person is me. I didn't even realise I was doing it, my legs cave from under me and Nathan catches me just in time, sinking to the floor with me in his arms. I don't understand what illness? "There has to be a mistake, she doesn't have an illness" I plead "Yes she does, Emily, she didn't want you to know. I'm so sorry" my Uncle says "I don't understand"
"She had chronic kidney disease, she refused dialysis and knew she only had about a year to 18months" Mavis tells me. Everyone knew except me. "Did you know?" I ask Nathan. "I had no idea, I'm so sorry" he says holding me tight and letting his tears fall. I go to her bed side and continue holding her hand, I'm not ready to say goodbye.

I don't know how long I've been sitting here just watching her; things are happening around me but I'm oblivious, I have tunnel vision and all I can see is this woman who raised me, looked after me and showed me what love really is, looking so fragile and old. I can feel a tap on my shoulder, it's Nathan. "Emily, there are some people here to see you, come" he says quietly, holding out his hand. I'm still unsteady on my feet so I am glad he is next to me, we leave my uncle sitting with Nan- I don't want her to be on her own- and go outside. All three girls are standing there with Jeff; I don't know what to say it's too much to take everything in "Emily, what's going on? How is she?" Jeff asks, seeing as nobody else is speaking. "She won't make it through the night" I sob the words out and saying them finally makes me break, I run to Evie and throw my arms around her as Ali and Kelly join the embrace. "Thank you all for coming, you don't have to stay though. Honestly it's fine" I say wiping my snotty nose. "We are staying, we will be right out here if you need us" Evie says taking a seat. I nod my head and go back to my Nan.

Uncle Dermot has gone to phone Joanna; she is in Spain at the moment and doesn't know what's going on. I sent Nathan to get me some tea so I could be with Nan by myself for a while "I can't believe you didn't tell me, I would have made the most of my time with you. I understand why you spent so many weekends away now to prepare me I guess, and so I wouldn't notice you were ill. I'm so angry at you right now. What am I going to do without you? I need you more than ever, I pictured you helping me plan the wedding and giving me away. The girls are here, we are going to be fine just like you said. I know I can't keep you, it's selfish. Grandad will be waiting for you and he will look after you, don't worry about me I have Nathan now and the girls. I love you with all my heart, promise me you will watch over me" I notice a small tear escape from her eye and trickle down her cheek; I wipe it away and kiss her forehead. "You can go now Nan, you don't have to stay; you're in my heart forever"
She slipped away from me a few moments later and I felt the softest hand brush my cheek, her way of letting me know she was alright and at peace. I walk out the room just as Nathan and Uncle Dermot come back, they all look to me, I shake my head and look down at the floor "She's gone" I whisper. My Uncle comes over and I hug him tight, something I have never done before, he wraps his arms around me and we grieve together.

People have expected me to completely fall apart or lose the plot, I think Evie has been panicking I will push her away but I am honestly not going to fall apart or push anyone away. I know my Nan is at peace and yes I have days were I am filled with sadness and I cry but she wouldn't want me to mourn her. Instead I plan to celebrate her life. My uncle is staying with us until the funeral and all Nan's affairs are sorted.

I knew my Nan was popular in the community, she done a lot for people over the years and worked hard running her catering company until I was in hospital, then she quit to take care of me. I just didn't realise how loved she was by so many people or how many lives she touched. The crematorium is packed, people are standing all around the sides and there are more outside, she deserves this wonderful turnout. The flowers are stunning and the priest does a wonderful job, keeping it nice and simple. Nathan, Uncle Dermot, and Jeff helped to carry the coffin, while the girls stayed by my side. Now it's my turn to get up and speak. Nobody knows what I am going to say. I stand up at the lectern and look out over the sea of people; she would be so proud I think to myself. I thank everyone for coming and speak a little bit about my Nan but I know I won't be able to talk for long so instead I do what I do best, I sing. 'Make you feel my love' by Adele, her favourite song.

Back at the house is where we truly celebrate my Nan's life; people are smiling and telling stories about her. The booze is flowing, the music is playing and it's exactly how she would have wanted it. We go late into the night and let people stay wherever they crash, except my Nan's room I'm not ready to go in there yet. I finally let my tears flow in bed with Nathan. He has been so wonderful; he is my family now, the two of us against the world. "She would have been so proud of you, Charms. I know she is always watching over you. I noticed you didn't drink anything, is everything ok?"
"Yeah, I have been feeling a bit out of sorts lately and the smell of booze makes me nauseous. I have an appointment with the doctor on Thursday" I say. "Want me to come with you?"
"No, it's ok Curly you have to work, I need to get everything sorted here and then I am back to work in the next two weeks, I promised her I wouldn't give up" I say turning out the light. He pulls me close and I fall asleep safe in the knowledge I am loved and not alone.