I never know why. I only know who. (AU)

Chapter 39

Dave had said nothing as John and Clara presented two perfect soufflés on the table, but the look in his eyes was enough to show how much it had meant to him. They had all been silent when eating the dish but when they had eaten both without complaint, Dave had said "Thank you Clara, they were perfect."

And although it hadn't been that much, Clara had ran into her father's arms as he held her for a good five minutes. And they said nothing the entire time, but as John left the room to give them privacy, he knew something had changed.

They had driven to the cemetery in Dave's car. John had presumed it would be in silence, but they were playing Duran Duran the whole way as Clara sung along with Dave to Hungry Like The Wolf.

John didn't need to ask to know that Ellie loved that band. The way Clara treasured the lyrics on her tongue said enough. And he wasn't going to complain, after all, it's better to rejoice in life than wallow in it. At least, that was what he believed.

When they arrived at the graveyard, John instantly felt the two beside him drop with the weight of where they were. He was aware that Clara had only visited her Mother's grave twice and neither of them had been within the last nine months.

She gripped his hand tighter as they neared and Dave walked ahead, putting down a first bouquet of flowers as he said some things to the gravestone. Clara stayed a good distance away and John knew he should do the same.

She began talking to him about how cold it was for March and how pretty some of the wildflowers nearby looked. She seemed to come up with anything that would take her mind off where she was. She didn't want to think about it until she absolutely had to.

Of course, John's concern for the baby in the cold meant he had his arms wrapped around her as she snuggled close to him to stay warm.

When Dave walked over to them, he simply nodded to Clara. The redness around his eyes was clear as day, but no-one mentioned it. It wasn't a day to talk about that kind of thing.

John was tugged by the arm towards the grave stone and he stayed a small distance away as Clara crouched down beside it. She had taken the lavenders off him and placed them neatly beside the gravestone, making sure they looked perfect.

"Okay" Clara mumbled, looking to the stone and frowning. "I'm going to sound like a complete idiot, talking to a stone but...Hi Mum. I know it's been a while, but I've missed you so much. It's not right with you not here...I have something important to tell you. Something you should know. I'm pregnant. Eight full months this week. And I know that sounds crazy, but the father...he's that boy I told you about. John. And he's...well, he's...he's helped me move on. And I may not be keeping the little girl inside me, but I just needed to tell you because you are still my world. You are...were the best mother anyone could ever ask for and one day, I'd like to be the same. I really don't know what will come of this, despite giving me a piece of mind, but here's a shot of my most recent scan...I thought that I'd give it you, because although I know you'd be a bit disappointed with me, I know you'd want to help me."

She placed the copy of the print next to the headstone and smoothed it out. "I don't want to be too long but...I love you Mum. Until the next time."

Clara hesitated before getting up. She then walked to John and wrapped an arm around him as they exited the cemetery silently. And Clara wouldn't tell him why until later that night, when she thought he was asleep, but she didn't cry because she knew that she had no reason to. She had cried enough, and now she would be strong.

Clara was sat on the sofa. It was four in the morning, but she'd been tired and he room was too stuffy, especially with John's body heat expelling on to her. She was sat in the dark, thinking about random things.