Let's Do This

In Front

Now is the time I was not looking forward to.

You see, I have performing anxiety. I can hardly play in front of others without messing up. I am afraid of messing up and failing, especially when there's many people (or even less) watching me.

It was about 7:30 in the morning and I was in sectionals. Everyone, well the people who actually bothered to show up, was ready to play after warming up. The next thing we usually do is chair tests, which is now.

"Who wants to play their solo first?" The band director asks, she should know no one does. Not a single hand is raised.

Everyone is looking down at their solos or somewhere around the room trying not to get the band directors attention, because whoever does has to play their solo first.

In the corner of my eye I see a hand raised. It was Cheyenne.

"I'll just get it over with..." She muttered. Our band director nodded and she raised her flute to her mouth.

I had no idea what her solo was before so I listened carefully. It was a relatively a fast song but the key signature was simple. And she did great, but you could see she was scared.

Then it was back to the mysterious scary mood. Who knew was going to get picked next?

"Grace." I heard the band director. I looked up to her and she nodded. It was my turn.

I sighed and scanned my solo once again, looking at all of my notes that I made. I raised my flute to my mouth.

Blocking our everything else in the room I played, my hands shaking and I could hear my heart beat. Can anyone else hear it? I hope not, that would be embarrassing.

All I focused on was not messing up. The first measure or two I played shaky, scared of failure. Deal with it, I said in my mind.

Then everything else was great, awesome, and clear. I forgot about everything else in the room and just played. Then I glanced up in the middle of the solo.

I saw some people staring at me, but for some reason I didn't care and just focused on my solo. Then I finished.

"Good." I heard the band director say nodding. I looked to my right and to Cheyenne. She smiled at me.

I did great. I wonder if I would be able to do the same tomorrow in front of everyone.

~

The next day, everything was pretty much normal. Practicing early, get through first through fourth period, dodging Jason in the hallway to fifth period aka band, and then once I entered the large band room it didn't seem so normal as I thought.

I walk in through the large band room and saw that everything was more hectic than usual. People slamming their lockers rushing towards their seats. Didn't anyone else practice their solo?

I looked to Anthony who was beside me worrying.

"Oh shoot we have to play our solo today?!" He yelled even though he just found out the answer. I just replied with a simply "Duh." Then went to my locker while he went to his.

Once I was at my seat prepared and everything I look to the back to see Anthony. That wasn't the best idea, I saw the worried faces of people who didn't want to play in front of others.

Soon I was one of them. My fear rushed back to me. I would have to play in front of the WHOLE band, including Anthony who actually never heard me play before. Why? Since he never bothered to come early enough to practice.

"Okay, changes of plans." I looked up and saw the band director talking. Change of plans? "Since we won't be able to have enough time, only the people that we the band directors know their solos will have to play in front of everyone today."

I heard some sighs of relief in the room, but then there were some mutters too. Probably from people who didn't want to play.

"The people who didn't prepare enough will be given until Monday to prepare." She finished. Then it struck me. There's a really good chance that I would have to play. Today.

"You can warm up a bit and also practice your solos right now." Well that's new, we usually have to warm up together as a group.

I took the opportunity and and played a scale, then the solo. Paying most attention to the parts that were the harder for me. A few claps of the band director signaled it was time to play our solos. I sighed along with some others.

"Giving the woodwinds a break, we will start with the brass." I smiled looking around with my fellow woodwinds who were also relieved. Woodwinds always go first, not this time. Time to take their time playing to my advantage, and I practiced my solo.

I didn't pay attention to the brass players or whoever was playing since I didn't know most of them.

"Anthony." My band director said after a moment. My head shot up looking at her, then at Anthony. It struck me that I never heard him play either. I kept my gaze at him.

A wobbly sound came out in his direction. I did not expect that. Then he stopped and tried again, sounding beautiful. He was always the unsure kid who never knew anything, but apparently he was pretty good. He never did talk about practicing or band, but who knew he was could play well.

I went back to listening to his solo and noticed his high notes, there were many. I remembered high notes didn't come easily, remembering about my brother working on them nonstop a few years ago.

Then it ended. Claps filled the room like it usually did when people finished their solo, but a few people weren't even listening. I turned and gave Anthony a thumbs up while earning a few people looking between him and I.

"Time for the woodwinds." Gulp.

"Flutes first." Double gulp. I could hear my heart beat again. "Cheyenne." I took a quick glance at her and saw her sigh. I can't blame her.

A moment later all the flutes were gulping again, resembling sectionals the day before. But worse.

"Grace." I basically died inside, hoping that no one was listening to me play at all.

"Let's just get it over with." I mumbled under my breath, earning a confused face by Cheyenne. I put my flute up trying my best to ignore the eyes staring at me. Just breath. I keep repeating in my head.

I played the first note as a warm up note, which ended up shaky. Then I started my solo that I practiced everyday, knowing what I need to do, what I need to focus on, knowing what's best. This time, I couldn't block out everything else like last time. I felt every pair of eyes on me, burning into the back of my neck. Even though I tried my best to ignore it, I couldn't. My heart was beating louder than ever.

But I still played just as I did when I practiced. Then I looked up in the middle of my solo once again. I saw eyes on me, my whole section watching, some random people, and clarinet dudes. I took larger quicker breaths out of being nervous and got light headed fast. Finally I finished my solo.

She finally went on to another person and I turned around to Anthony wondering what he thought. He gave me a smile and a thumbs up. I did a fist bump in my head knowing that I did good.

Time for the big thing next week: playing for a judge.