Poems of my Mind

You know I hate you,

I say it all the time,

And you always reply:

'No you don't'

Because you know me.

You know me.

So why...?

I don't understand.

You speak the same as always,

You act as you did,

But now...

It's just there.

Unspoken,

But loud.

You know me.

How.

What was going through your mind,

Was it like blurting out a secret?

Or was it planned over and over again?

Are you the same as you were?

Or am I deceiving myself?

With all that is happening,

To me, to my family and friends,

Why now?

Why did you have to ruin, no spoil,

No.

I'm being harsh.

I should know better.

Well at least this unending stress response might lose me a few pounds,

That'd be a plus.

*sigh*

Drowning in tension,

Like the next word might snap the bridge I've tried to hold.

Gripped by sudden claustrophobia and panic;

Finding it hard to breathe.

Drowning.

Frog stuck in my throat.

Glad you're not stood here to talk.

Head throbs.

Am I going to cry now?

Shit.

I haven't the right.

You're pissed,

I'm worn out.

You're dejected,

I'm scared.

Have I lost you?

I don't have much family y'know.

I best pay you back the money I owe you now I guess.

Why does it have to be this difficult?

Talking to someone

Who knows me.

It's like trying to talk to someone I haven't seen in years,

But with the threat that they're going to die tomorrow.

I'm going to be sick.

Too much pressure.

I see stars.

I'm so cold.

Is like the worst feeling ever.

Worse than with either of the previous,

Simply because

I thought we could never be broken.

The usual tactics don't work anymore,

To fix the cracks,

It means starting again.

I try.

I pick up a broken piece of a memory,

And an old running joke,

I try to use my tape

But you see straight through it.

Should've used duct tape,

Or glue

But I guess it's sort of futile.

Finally a slight thread begins,

But it's like

Saying goodbye

For a while.

A road is paved,

But there's no avoiding it.

Maybe in the future there will be,

Maybe there can be a point

Where the past is behind

And I don't have to look ahead.

I can just live again.

The stress can wear off

And I can breathe,

But not yet.

No, not this soon.

You still need to heal.

I still need to

Pick up the rest of the pieces;

Find some new tape.