this is more personal but some of you might be able to relate and i wanna write about it because i'm going through it again.
Okay, so when I end up really liking a guy I low key start to get really attention seeking. Like, I have self harm scars and a self depreciating sense of humor so I feel like the depression topic is always there, even if we don't actually get to it.
like, right now, I can think of three guys that I really liked/like where something happened.
I liked the first guy while I was still self harming, and it was really bad too. For the first guy, and this is really embarrassing to say, sometimes I would cut myself and think about him and want him to notice.
Then I stopped for awhile because my arms had a lot of scars and they were ugly and noticeable and I didn't want to do this to myself anymore.
So I started to kind of like the second guy. Whenever I made my little jokes like "I want to die" or "I'm jumping off a cliff now" he would be like "no, don't, I would miss you" or some shit like that. idk.
AND NOW!!!
Now, I like another guy. I like him lots and lots but I'm worried. Because he's depressed and, currently, I'm not doing so good because of school. I texted him something basically hating on myself and he sent me this whole paragraph about how I shouldn't say stuff like that because it'll make things worse and happiness is just chemicals and he can relate bc he takes meds blah blah blah.
also, one day at school I was having a really bad day and just did not want to be there at all. I told him basically saying how I didn't know why I was sad, I just woke up like this and wanted to cry, and it seemed like he actually cared. like he payed more attention to what I was saying than my actual friends did.
so, I'm worried because I know my little piece of shit self has the opportunity of making myself worse than I need to be so he'll pay attention to me! I don't want to talk to him about how I'm sad because he's unknowingly enabling me to go and let all that sadness just take hold of me.
sooooo I gotta be strong I guess and not tell him I'm sad when I'm actually doing pretty good. pray 4 me.
And then there's one little loose memory floating around in my head, I don't know who it belongs to, but I remember someone texting me something like "yeah, I saw your scars" and that's just so embarrassing I don't like having these scars anymore.
