Confidant & Playlist

22. The Aftermath Pt. 2: The Letters

Angel

He takes after me in his shyness but after you in the way the he loves. He puts his all into his relationships with the people he's closest to. He loves Delancy like almost a second mother and he loves Bia more than any other person in the entire world. He's playful be reserved and he loves to have fun. When I'm with him I can't help but feel you, as though you are right there with me. He a large part of you in him, its not just his looks. He gives the kind of innocent love you can feel; that's all you B.
________

Bia

She reminds me so much of you. She smiles the same way you do; she has your dimples. When she laughs I hear you in her voice...she embodies you in nearly every way. The way her cheeks rise when she smiles, the dimples that adorn them, I see a blend of the two of us in her as though she has all of our best qualities. Her smile captives me the way yours did the first time you really smiled at me. She has your love for music, your zeal to pursue your dreams, my drive and my need to make those she loves happy. She's Us, both of Us.

 ________

Dear Bruno,

You've just received these letters and you have just met Angel and Brooklynn which means I have been gone for some time now. I want you know that I kept my disease and our children from you for good reason. I wanted to tell you about them within our first few months together but when I received my diagnosis, I decided it would be better to enjoy my time left with those that I love rather than trying to find treatments for my incurable disease.

I received my diagnosis in the fall of 2013. They told me at the stage that I has reached it was terminal and that there wasn't much they could do; I couldn't be treated. The only hope they gave me was that with some experimental medications and scheduled treatment sessions so that I could live a normal life. My first thought was 'I don't want to go through with this' but then I thought of you, Delancy, Madison, Phoebe, Angel and Brooklynn and I knew it wasn't a decision I was willing to make; I took them up on the offer and scheduled the treatments. I never told you because I couldn't bear the look on your face or how frantically you would search for a cure: I couldn't put you through that. I didn't want you to spend the last months of my life worrying. I wanted our relationship to stay the same. I wanted Us to be happy.

There was just something about you that pulled my attention the night I met you for the first time. When I got on the train that evening, I had you on my mind throughout my whole birthday celebration and I too, hoped that I would see you again. When I met you again at the club that night, I knew you looked familiar and I just had to talk to you. I know it wasn't just the whiskey buzzing on our lips or the suffocating heat that flowed through the club. We connected in an instant over "not so good" occurrences with a simple acknowledgement of our similar past situations. It wasn't until much later that I remembered who you were.

Our talks were effortless and out silences were comfortable. You understood me instead of instantly judging me. You gave me room to be myself and you opened yourself up to me. It didn't take much for me to become fond of you, with that smile--your smile--so humble and shy yet playful. I couldn't tear my eyes away when you smiled at me that night and I instantly hoped I would see you again.

Getting to know you has to have been the most fun I've had in my entire life. Hanging out with you, being in your music video, talking to you on phone, our spontaneous rendezvous and their many locations. It was like... damn, this is corny but...it was like being on a roller-coaster down in front with your hands up, screaming at the top of your lungs--an experience. The way you treated me from the get go was something to get used to, no man had every cared for me they way you did. Even though we were not "together" per say, you treated me like your girlfriend. You bought me birthday, Valentines day, Christmas gifts and gift for no apparent reason; you took me out hundreds of times just because you wanted to treat me. You told me that I was beautiful, that I meant alot to you; you let me wear your clothes and roam around your place. You gave me all the privileges a girlfriend would have when they wasn't who I was to you. 

I loved you. I loved every part of you, even the parts that weren't 'all that pretty'. I know I didn't say it enough, I didn't open up to you enough, I didn't tell you how important to me you were. I didn't do enough and I'm sorry for that. From the time we started dating and things became official I thought things would be the same as before but they changed in a way that I never thought of. They intensified. Suddenly I was even more important to you than before. I felt...like a princess. You were too good for me. I saw it more and more in everything you did. You encouraged me to go back to school and even offered to pay for it. You had me move into your house, made me an extra key for your car and bought any and everything I could ever need. It's like you never saw my short comings.

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry I never told you about the kids. It was a decision I made the minute I found out that I was pregnant. I knew that I wanted you to raise them but only after I was gone. I want them to have an amazing life with you. I want you to love them better that I ever could. I want you to raise them, take them to church, introduce them to your family and give them room to grow into themselves. I want you to tell them that you love them as often as you can and to encourage them. Most of all I want you to make their lives better for me. Make sure that you tell them I love them. 

I love you more than you'll ever know. You were the first man I ever really loved. The first man to show me that you're not all the same. The first man that I couldn't control with my body. The first man stimulated my mind and attracted it before asking anything of my body. You showed me that love is more than being physically attracted to someone but emotionally attracted, mentally attracted, attracted all together. I can't say it enough, I loved you Bruno, I mean really loved you. I wanted us to spend the rest of our lives together, to raise our kids together, to grow old together; I wanted everything for us. You made yourself transparent to me and I'm sorry I wasn't able to do the same.

I loved you Bruno with every fiber of my being, you have to know that I did what I did because of this. 

Your's always,

Lacey