Confidant & Playlist

11. You Got It Bad

August 2011

"Damn," I say under my breath as I glance at the two parallel lines in the in the center of the small ovular screen. I set it down and look into the mirror. There lies the remnants of less than enough sleep, red eyes and bags beneath my half opened lids. I set the pest down alongside the sink, wash my hands and begin my make-up routine. When I'm finished I walk out of the bathroom with the test in hand. "D," I say as I step foot into my bedroom.

"Yeah?" She answers from the living room over the scattered TV noise. "I got a..." I put the test in a ziplock bag and push it down in my purse. "Doctor's appointment, you got Angel?" I walk out to her.

"I got him," she says slowly. She looks at me. "Is everything alright?"

"Yeah," I say with a shrug. "Its just a check up."

"Ok."

"I'll be back in the next two hours or so." Angel stands in his playpen. His dark curls cling to her head nearly falling to his ears. Bruno's bright brown eyes are large set on Angel's little chubby face. He stares at me mumbling with his hands outstretched. I blow him a kiss and he begins smiling showing his little teeth; his father's dimples dot both of his cheeks. I blow him another kiss and he giggles bouncing. I walk over to him and scoop him up in my arms. "Puedo tener un beso?" (Can I have a kiss) He takes hold of my face and puts his lips to mine. I shower him with kisses. "Gracias mi amor." (Thank you my love). I place him back in his play pen and ruffle his curls. "Te amo Angel," (I love you Angel) I say as I let my hand drag off his head.

_________

"So what are the results?"

"You're healthy as always Ms. Monterro and you are indeed pregnant." The nurse glances at my chart once more. "You're almost three weeks along."

"Alright." I look off out the window. Again. It's happening again. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I do this when I know that I can't have him? "Thank you."

I leave the doctor's office and take the bus back to the apartment. When I arrive Delancy is fully dress in a white tee, a light black and white cardigan, pale denim jeans and brown booties. Already, she has Angel in outside clothes; a red top, pair of khaki shorts, a denim jacket, black sneakers and a snapback. He sits in his play pen playing with on of his toys. His baby bag sits on the floor alongside the couch.

"Good, you're back." She looks at me and then turns off the TV.

"Yeah," I reply in a half-hearted tone.

"How was the check up?"

"Good, you know the usual."

"Well in that case," She picks up the baby bag. "We're going out today." She smiles at me and walks over to Angel seated in his fenced in pen. He reaches for her and she picks him up. "This little cutie outside for some fresh air and new surroundings. You can't keep him cooped up in the apartment all the time."

"Alright," I smile and raise an eyebrow at her. "And what do you suggest to fix this problem?"

"Maybe the little guy's first trip to the zoo?" I make up a fake thinking face and look up at the ceiling with my hand at my chin.

"Well if you put it that way...I guess I would be good for him to get out for once, its a deal."

"It's settled then, I already have everything for him packed," she says as she picks up Angel's bag. I walk over and pick up my son. She offers me her arm and I take it with my free one. The smile on my face contradicts everything that I'm feeling inside but for D and and Angel's sake I have to look happy. There's a pang of guilt, then pain in my chest.