I try to be nice and people still think I'm being mean.
I try not to offend people and people get offended.
Then people get mad and I'm so impulsive that I say things I don't mean.
I just can't do anything right. I'm a shitty person. I swear everyone hates me.
I'm trying to please people. I'm not trying to hurt them. And I wish I was faking the depression. But I'm not. I hate life. I'm trapped in this body that hates me, with a crappy immune system that tries to kill my small intestines if I eat gluten. I'm trapped in a family with only my dad loving me. I'm trapped with a brain that has terribly imbalanced neurotransmitters.
Death seems so peaceful, so beautiful, so relaxing. I have a plan. I might do it tonight. I just can't stand life anymore. And in death, I won't have constant worry about gluten. I'll be able to eat anything I want. The first attempt will be with melatonin so I will be able to use my prescribed sleeping meds if I survive. If the melatonin kills me, great. But I don't think it will. I want to give myself a chance to see if I have any regrets after doing it. If it doesn't work, I will probably try tomorrow with my prescribed meds. I'm going to write my note when I get home.
