I'm Gonna Love You

Chapter Twelve

He did go home. He slugged through the strange mud-ice combination, and didn't bother to scrape the filth from his foot and off onto the cold ground to re-freeze. He lacked his  usual jacket, and his jeans  had brown stains at the knees and the cloth near his ankles and below was crusted in ice. Chuck and co were waiting for him at the door.

He must have looked worse than he felt, because his face earned a gasp from Gabriel, and Charlie winced. He strode past them in an attempt to break free of their glares that were colder than the ice enveloping his feet, but  was grabbed, and turned reluctantly to face Chuck. 

"Where do you think you're going?" Chuck tried not to be angered.
"I'm packing." The words all but slipped out of his mouth, reluctant as it was.
"Where are you going." Castiel looked away. 
 "Home." The words were hollow and no one wanted to hear them, not even Castiel, but they continued to pierce the silence like a dagger.

Chuck swallowed, and let go of Castiel. Cas made it to his room. He dragged his shirts off of the hangers and shoved them into his bag, that was now emptied onto his bed. He grabbed his laptop and put it in his bag, too. He got dressed properly, and looked into the mirror to see what the damage was. He flinched. He had a bruise on the side of his face, and a small cut on his nose. Honestly, he  didn't care.

He threw the bag onto his back and waited on the porch.

"Cas."

"Sam."
"You can't leave, Cas. Dean is going to need you, and-"
"Dean doesn't remember who I am right now."
"He will, though! He already remembers Charlie, because they spent more time together for a while."
"When Dean remembers I will try to come here, but right now I can't be surrounded by this. I don't want Dean to remember me." Castiel admitted
"What are you talking about? You love him!" Sam exclaimed.
Cas rose, "You are correct, Sam. I love your brother, and-" He swallowed and his voice broke, "And he loved me, but he doesn't right now and he's hurt and it's my fault!
"None of this is your fault, Castiel!" Sam exclaimed yet again.
"If it wasn't for me, Dean would act straight, Dean would be with girls!" Castiel took a breath, "John would have never hurt him if i didn't, Sam! I'm so fucking selfish. I loved him so I had to make him love me and I made him were his own father hated him! I'm a fucking monster, Sam!" Castiel almost shrieked.
Sam took a step towards Castiel, and put his hands on Cas' shoulders, before very calmly talking to him. "When did you fall in love with my brother?"
"I- I dunno, ever since he and Lisa split." Castiel choked.
"Dean- when we met you he wouldn't shut up about you. He asked me if you were gay, and then he continued to talk about how beautiful you were. He talked about how your hair was sloppy but he thought it was cute, and how he thought that you were out of  his league." Sam paused. "You made my brother come out, but you made him happy, and in all of my living years I've never seen him truly happy."

Castiel sat back down and held his face in his hands. "I just can't be here right now, Sam. Leave me alone. Let me go." 
"I can't."
"You don't understand, Sam. I' supposed to go every month and I haven't  been in years. I would rather deal with my family than this and that says something."
"What happened with your family?" Sam grew quiet.
"My father is out of jail now." Castiel realized, a shiver shooting through him. 
"For what?" Sam inquired
"I can't tell you, Sam." 

~~

When Michael and Lucifer arrived, Castiel almost didn't go. Every part of his mind and body was telling him to run, go find Sam, tell him to help him, get him to Dean. but he went. He gave a pleading smile to Gabriel, Anna, and Chuck, before turning to leave with the two older men.

Every step felt like his feet were made of lead, and had chains pulling him down. He couldn't see straight, and felt like he might puke, but he got in the back seat of their car. He ushered out air without noise when they asked questions, and tried to convince himself he wanted to go. His attempts to reach out to his hollowed mind failed, and he wanted to go back, but by the time he could have said this, they arrived, a town over, to the Novak household.