Letters To You

fourteen

Dear You,

Ever since you left I have done things that make me scared even though I don't want to at all because of how much fear I have, but I still do it.

I have gone zip lining (I have the biggest fear of highest ever), I have gone water tubing (so scared of falling off and drowning) and heck I have even been vulnerable (which I hate being because you can get so easily hurt). I have done much more also but those are the biggest things.

I don't know why I suddenly have the courage to do these things. Maybe it's because I don't want to live in fear anymore. Maybe it's because I want to prove to myself that I can face what fears me the most or maybe its because I want to be in control with the amount of fear I feel. Who knows? maybe its all of the above.

It's like now that you're gone I don't want to be afraid anymore. Which is of course understandable considering I lived in constant fear for 9 years of my life.

It's weird though. It honestly is. I don't know why I push myself so hard to do the things that frighten me the most, I like it because I have all this courage now and I have done things I have always wanted to do, but why couldn't I do them before when you were here? It makes no sense.

So thank you in a way. Well I guess thank you in general because you left, but also thank you for leaving because you gave me this new found strength that I didn't know I had in me.

I find it funny from how I go to "I hate you! You hurt me!" to all calm and "Thank you-ish". It's odd, but I hope that you see the point.

I like it. I like having this nagging voice in the back of my mind saying "do it. do it. you can do it. don't be scared.". It's amazing. I've never had that before.

Of course I still have the most deadliest fear of speaking in public, but hey, who knows? Maybe I will overcome that too.

I mean I have already overcome so much, why couldn't I?

-Me.