Letters To You

forty-eight

Dear You,

The past three days have been very busy so luckily I haven't had time to think and when I have had time I simply put my earphones in or read.

Yesterday though hasn't been the best.

I didn't really think yesterday though it's more so what went on yesterday.

I read and finished the perks of being a wallflower all in one day, yesterday, and I am very proud of myself for that, because not only did I read it, but I also marked things down in the book so it took longer to read it. I am very proud of myself. Although I'm not proud of the reason why I read it all in one day.

I read it all yesterday because I didn't want to think. Reading is a great distraction from thinking. But this book is wonderful because I wasn't thinking at all yet I was reading how I felt.

That's one of the reasons why I love that book so much. Because when I don't know how to describe how I'm feeling or say how I'm feeling I simply read that book and it's says it for me. I love it. That's why I can connect with the book so much, because I can connect with Charlie so much. We are really alike and feel the same way a lot of the times.

Anyways that was way off topic, I'm sorry.

So there are two reasons of why yesterday wasn't the best; first: because my mom got very angry at me. She yelled at me and was very mean. I don't want to go into detail of what went on, but I was about to cry. It took everything in me not to cry since the tears were on the brims of my eyes, but nevertheless I didn't cry.

She just kept yelling at me and when she wasn't she was saying how much she baby's me and how she takes my feelings into consideration way too much and how all of that is going to stop. She just kept saying stuff like that and how I am way too rude and have way too much attitude.

I don't know though. Is everything she said true? I really wish someone would tell me and be honest about it, because the voices in my head keep saying yes, but I want to say no.

That sentence made me sound like a crazy person. I'm not. I'll explain that later.

So anyways she said sorry later and said she was just tired. I forgave her and said sorry also. The thing is though I don't think she realized that what she said effected me a lot. like a lot a lot. What she said stuck with me and all threw yesterday it kept repeating in my head over and over again. It's awful. Even though she said sorry and didn't mean what she said, it doesn't matter, because to me she meant it and the voices use what she said against me.

It's like that all the time. Whenever someone says something about me that is bad, whether they mean it or not, it sticks with me. I don't want it to, but it does. I can't help it. I don't want it to. But it does. And it keeps repeating in my head over and over again and I end up believing whatever they said about me. I don't want you to think that I can't take a joke, because I can. I am just talking about when stuff is said that isn't a joke.  I'll explain more about it later, but that is the reason why I told you what happened with my mom because I wanted to explain how things effect me.

And reason number 2: When I was rereading the perks of being a wallflower I read this sentence 'He's a wallflower' and I use to love that saying, I still do, but now I semi hate it.

Being a wallflower isn't always something to be happy about because our lives aren't like Charlies' in the book. Once you are labeled as "quiet" and "shy", which is apart of being a wallflower, then that's what you are until you leave wherever you live.

It sucks. It's awful. I hope you are never labeled like that because once you are then it makes it a hundred times harder to break out of that label and make friends or share your thoughts or just be outgoing.

Once you are labeled as "quiet" and "shy" then that's what you always are. Being a wallflower isn't as cool as it was for Charlie, because in reality being a wallflower means that you are overlooked, not cared about and will never have friends because no matter how much you try to reach out there no one will give you a chance. Being a wallflower sucks. It honestly does.

The worst part though is that you are overlooked. That is one of the worst feelings ever. It's so hard to reach out there and say 'hi' to someone since you are actually shy, but then to get shot down or just get a short 'hi' and then they look away or even worse when they pretend that they don't hear you. It hurts a lot because all you want is to be their friend but all they do is overlook you. It really hurts a lot.

The reason why this effected my day is because reading that and thinking of what being a wallflower truly meant brought up awful memories and it made me very sad.

So now I will explain to you about how things effect me.

I don't want to think that I am ugly or fat or worthless and all that stuff, I honestly don't, in fact I don't even think that. There are theses voices in my head, they sound exactly like me, but they think all of theses awful things about me and they keep making me think them over and over again and they make me believe them. Or I believe them because I have, unwillingly, thought it so many times. And it's awful. I always hear them and think those thoughts.

I don't want to though. You have to believe me. I don't want to at all.

I really wanted to say though that what people say really stick with me and those voices, which I will now refer to as "me" because voices make me sound crazy, use the awful things that people have said against me. "Me" ends up making me believe it. "Me" ends up using what those people have said to me as evidence that what "me" thinks is true.

I don't want to believe anything that "me" says and sometimes I do think that I am pretty and special and all that, but then "me" shoots it down.

Not to be mean, but you won't ever understand unless you have had this happen to you. having "yourself" constantly think awful things about yourself and tell you them over and over again.

You don't want to think them, you don't even think them, "me" or "yourself" thinks them. A voice that sounds just like you thinks them and tells you those things.

I don't really know how else to explain it other then that.

I hope I don't sound like I'm whiney or anything, I just wanted to write this letter to share things with you. I wanted to share how things effect me and I wanted to share my take on what being a wallflower means and I wanted to explain why I believe those awful things about myself.

You don't have to read theses letters, I hope you know that, but thank you if you do. I just don't want you to read them and then think I am pitying myself or complaining, because I'm not. or at least I'm trying not to.

I guess there isn't anything else to say other then that.

-Me.