Letters To You

forty-two

Dear You,

What is your trick to get yourself to stop crying or not to cry? Mine is to dig my nail into my one of my fingers. I'm not doing anything bad, it's just like I'm pinching myself basically.

Anyways the point is I had to do that a couple times tonight. I just couldn't stop my thoughts any more.

My friends wanted to go home, but I didn't want to. I knew that once I came home I would be alone and I didn't want that and that's when it all started. It started a bit before that, but when they begged me to go home then that's when my thoughts just couldn't be held back any more.

All I could think about was how alone I truly am, then it moved to how much of a disappointment I am, then it moved to how much of a loser I am, then it moved to how unwanted I am, then it moved to how much I screw up, then how I am pushing everyone I love away, then how everyone I love is gone because I lost them from how badly I treat them, then it moved to how much I don't deserve to be loved and then, oh gosh my all time favorite, how I'm not loved and how once I move away I will be forgotten. And it just kept going like that.

Then all those thoughts happened at once when I was walking home and I barely made it without crying. That's when I used my handy dandy trick to stop from crying.

I'm still thinking all those things though and they're all true.

Those simple, yet so meaningful and heartwarming words that were uttered to me and made me smile aren't even true. I know they aren't even true. How could someone love a monster like me? How could someone honestly like me? As a friend or more, no one could, no one should love me.

It's that fricking simple.

Then on top of that I held one of my best friends back from doing what she wanted all because I was too scared to go home, but you know what? I was scared to go home because once I'm home then it's like all my thoughts and demons are unleashed and they attack me. It's all I can ever think about at nighttime. It's awful. So I didn't want to go back home, but you know what else? I should've. Because one of my best friends wanted to and it would've made her happy and I held her back from being happy. All I am is selfish and that's all I'll ever be along with all the other horrible things I've listed.

I'm so sorry.

This is all my fault. I'm such a awful person because now whoever is reading this is sad and pities me.

I'm so sorry.

I'm so sorry for not talking to you and turning around, but I couldn't without crying. It's no excuse I know. I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry for everything.

I still love you too.

I'm sorry for ruining your happiness.

-Me.