Letters To You

forty-seven

Dear You,

I really am a screw up. I'm worthless and awful. I just don't see why people like me. Well one person does and honestly they are high, but everyone else doesn't. My mom likes me but she doesn't count.

I see why you hate me. I honestly do and in all honesty I would hate me also so I don't blame you. Well I do hate myself so I guess I'm with you.

I just wish you didn't hate me.

But you do.

I deserve to hated though. I do.

I know I do from how I am which is the most awful, worthless, screwed up, ugliest, fattest, cold hearted, useless, most selfish person in the whole wide world who hurts people and ruins everything thing that they touch.

I just really wish though that I wasn't and that people, mostly you, didn't hate me.

I just try so hard. I really do. I try so much. I try to be the daughter of the year, I try to be the bestest best friend, I try to make everyone happy, I try to fix people and fix the things that I break, I try so darn much! I really do! Why can't anyone see that?! Why can't you see that?! I try so fricking much for you. Not only for everyone else, but for you!

I hate you.

A huge part of me actually hates you.

You make me feel like crap and I hate you.

I really do.

You hurt me so much yet I still try for you.

Why?

Well I know why, but I'm not saying.

I'm just such a failure. I really am. I know I am. Everyone knows I am.

I'm so sorry for hurting you so much. I really am.

I actually do love you.

I really wish everyone wasn't going to be gone for 5 days. I know it isn't going to happen and this isn't true, but I really feel like everyone is just running away from me. I know that's not true at all, but not once have I heard how I will be missed, all I have heard is how excited everyone is and how happy everyone is and this and that and that's super! but what about me? It just feels like everyone is running away from me. I fear that once they return they won't even like me or want me. They'll see me, turn their noses up and laugh in my face at how awful I am. They'll finally see me for who I truly am.

That's super selfish, isn't it? It is. 'what about me?' nothing about me. that's selfish and I should just shut up.

I guess most of my anxiety though is from me realizing that this is how it's going to be from now on. Once I move then this is how it will be. Me. Truly and completely utterly alone. I don't like it.

Oh great now I'm starting to cry. The hyperventilating won't be far behind.  Just joking. I stopped. I can't cry anymore. It's like I'm all cried out. I cry for a few minutes then I stop, but the feeling of wanting to cry is there still. gosh I hate it.

I just don't want to be alone.

You already hate me and I know you'll leave me soon as will everyone else as will they.

I just don't want the nights to come during those 5 days because all they will consist of is crying. I hate the nights now.

Please don't leave me.

I'm so sorry for everything.

I just can't believe that you hate me. All I ever hear about is how I hurt you, but have you ever asked how much you hurt me? No. You haven't. Well spoiler alert, it's a ton. You've ruined me.

I hate you.

But I love you.

-Me.

P.S. I wish no one was leaving. Please don't leave me.

P.P.S I'm sorry for not doing what you wanted. I'm sorry. I know I failed you. You should just hate me. I wish you would. I do as does one other person; you should just join the club. I'm sorry for failing you. I'm sorry. I want to hear what you have to say though. I want to more then anything in the whole entire world.