Letters To You

Sixteen

Dear You,

It's happening again.

All I see is imperfections.

Too many pimples, lips too chapped, skin uneven, ears too pointy, teeth too yellow, that whole thing.

All I have felt is sadness lately. I know why though. Mom says I have depression and I think so too.

It explains so much and makes so much sense. It explains the voices, suicidal and self harming thoughts, it explains it all.

I have so many worries and negative thoughts and sadness built up that I don't even know where to begin. That's why I haven't written you in 10 days.

All I want to do is cry. All I want to be is alone in my room. I don't want to be around anyone and I don't want to see anyone. I don't want to look in the mirror and I don't want to talk. I know its awful but it's true.

I want to open up to people, but the problem is I don't even know where to begin.  

Do I begin with you? With how badly you messed me up and the abuse you put me threw? or do I begin with the emptiness I feel? With the loneliness I feel? With my fears? With my thoughts? With the voices? Where do I begin because its all there but it takes time to pull it out of the deepest darkest place in my mind and once I finally do and once I finally talk about it all I do is cry and let me tell you I am a ugly crier.

I don't know what to do. I just feel so alone and the people I want the most aren't here so I don't know what to do. I just.. I don't know. I honestly don't know.

I wish I knew what to put here, but I don't. I just don't.

-Me.