To Build A Home || c.h

Chapter 32

Calum's POV

My hands are clammy as we sit down with Eugene. I know this has nothing to do with me, because I'm not in the band, but what if this is actually the day they get discovered? I care about these guys a lot more than I thought I did, and I just realized that. How the h.ell did this happen?

"I'm gonna go straight to the case; I think you guys are good, you have some real potential, and I think my boss would have loved to meet you and listen to you play," Eugene says and looks between the four of us. Luke is still wide-eyed and paler than usual, Ashton is somewhat restless, drumming his fingers against his thigh, and then there's Michael. Michael looks like a five-year-old about to open his Christmas presents.

"Do you have any gigs planned in the future?" Eugene asks.

"No, not at the moment, but we could fix one," Michael answers quickly.

"No need, I'll take care of that," Eugene says. "I'll fix you a gig and tell my boss to come and listen to you."

"Seriously?" Ashton asks wide-eyed.

"Seriously," Eugene replies with a small chuckle and fishes out his phone from his pocket. "Give me one of your numbers so I can contact you once I've fixed a gig."

The boys look at each other for a couple of seconds before Michael says his number out loud so Eugene can save it on his phone. He tells us once again how he thinks we have a great potential before he leaves, and the four of us are left alone by the table.

I only now notice how rapidly my heart is beating and how my breathing is somewhat heavy, and I know exactly why. It's because I'm positive they're going to force me to stay in their band. I don't want to stay in their band. It was only a one time thing, I was only helping them out this once, and now they're going to hate me forever.

Before they get the time to say anything, I get up and start packing my things. If I'm lucky I can get away without talking to them about the whole band thing. I unplug my bass and put it in the bag as the other boys walk over and start packing up as well.

"Calum, you do know what this means, right?" Michael asks me after a couple of seconds. I know exactly what it means, but I choose to play stupid instead.

"No."

"You're a part of the band now." Dammit.

"No, I'm not," I say calmly. Just as Michael's about to say something again, Ashton interrupts.

"Please take some time to think about it. We really need a bassist and you're really good, so don't say no without even thinking about it, okay?" he says and looks at me. He looks desperate and pleading, and I'm sure that if I say no it'll be just like kicking a puppy, so I say that I'll think about it before I go over to my mother and aunt. They both smile widely when they see me and I do my best to smile back.

"Well done, Calum, you were really good!" Liz smiles at me, the others nodding in agreement.

"Thank you," I say with a small smile before I look at my mom. "I'm gonna leave, I'm kinda tired. Should I go to our house or Aunt Carol's?"

"You can go to Carol's," she smiles warmly. "And I'm proud of you, honey," she adds.

"Thanks," I mutter with a tight smile. "Bye." I give them a small wave before I exit the cafe. The weather is surprisingly pleasant, the crisp wind feeling good against my hot skin. I take a deep breath before I start walking to my aunt's house, the bag with my heavy bass safely placed on my back.

I walk slowly to allow some fresh air to reach my brain in hopes that it'll help me think straight. Would it be so bad if I actually accepted their offer? I mean, I had fun playing with them today, I wouldn't mind doing it again. I think. Oh God, I'm so confused. What the h.ell should I do?

I hear quick steps behind me, but I don't acknowledge them before I realize that it's Alaska. She walks up next to me before she slows down to my pace.

"You're slow," she tells me.

"You just ran to catch up with me, didn't you?" I ask and cock an eyebrow at her. I can tell by her heavy breathing and slightly red cheeks.

"Maybe," she says and shrugs. "Maybe not."

I laugh and shake my head lightly, once again looking ahead of me. I know why she came after me, she probably talked to the boys and now she wants to convince me that joining the band is the right thing to do, because she knows better, just like everyone else around me. Everyone think they know what's the best for me, no one trusts me to make my own decisions.

We walk in silence until we get to my aunt's place, and she doesn't even ask, she just follows me in, but for some weird reason it's okay. Or, okay enough for me to shut up and just let her, at least. I'd rather be alone, but I don't really have anything against Alaska anymore. She's okay.

We sit down in the living room, and it takes a couple of minutes before she says, "The boys told me about the man who talked to you after the gig, Eugene was it?"

"Yeah, Eugene." She nods and glances over at me.

"Do you know what you want to do?" she asks.

"With what?" I reply, trying to play stupid again in hopes of getting away with it.

"With the whole band situation, whether you want to join or not."

"Let me guess, you're going to tell me that I'm an a.ss if I don't join them, aren't you?" I ask instead.

"No, not really. It's your choice." She shrugs nonchalantly. I let out a small sigh and look down at my hands in my lap.

"I thought I didn't want to join them, but the more I think about it, the more unsure I get..." I mutter, biting the inside of my cheek.

I really did think that there was no way I would say yes, but would it really be that bad? I don't dislike the boys as much anymore, I love playing and performing, and being in a band would be pretty fun. What's holding me back?

"Is it because you're afraid to join now that they have a chance because you might have to... I don't know, leave home to set out on, like, a bigger journey that you're not ready for?" She sounds like my psychiatrist, Claudia, just a bit less professional.

"How can I be scared of leaving home when I don't really have one?"

"You still don't think that you have a home?" she asks, causing me to shake my head.

"How about you start thinking about it like this: the only thing you're going to live in forever is your own body. That is your home. And if you need specific people around you to feel like home, they're a part of it too. People need to stop trying to find comfort and solace in objects and realize that having yourself and some loved ones can be more than enough most of the time.

"Why is there an obligation to call our houses homes, anyway? Not everyone feels like the house they live in is their home, and there's nothing wrong with that. You can say that home is wherever you feel happy and are surrounded by people you love. That's honestly the best home you can have. If you consider yourself and your loved ones as home, then it doesn't matter where you're living. Anywhere can be home," she says, taking my hands in hers.

"And sometimes, part of that home might disappear and the home turns unstable for a while, but in the end we find a way to steady it again, no matter how long it takes... It's just all about not giving up and being patient..." By now we've both teared up, and I feel stupid for tearing up over something that simple, but her words hit a certain soft spot in me. I know what's holding me back. My home has been unstable for so long because of Jake, and I'm scared of building it up again. I'm scared of letting go and moving on.

Perhaps it's time to stop letting my fears and depression have the upper hand and finally take control over my own life? Perhaps this is my chance to start over once and for all? And I would be stupid to let it go, right? 

A/N: I'm sorry this is so late and complete s.hit I'm so sorry 

Inspiration has not been present lately and I hate it

I apologize dearly and I hope you have it in you to forgive me

ily guys