I am yours. {#Wattys2016}

3.

These are the endless nights I face. Once I leave a customers house, I am left with the harsh reality that I am alone. I am alone and I have nobody. I look around and see people with someone to hold. To love. To admire. I envy those that do.

Having someone in the moment is great, only in that moment. It's my job to serve. However, once that moment ceases you realise that it didn't mean anything. You realise that none of it meant anything to the both of you.

I just want to connect with someone. I want to feel that emotional bond. I want to be happy.

Happiness.

Happiness is something I had experienced once upon a time. The feeling of being happy is knowing that nothing is going to bring you down.

But everything brings me down. I find negativity in anything and everything. Do I have anything to be happy about?

I go home to my cold, lifeless and lightless apartment. Why even call it a home? Homes are where love and connections happen. No connections have been here. No love. Absolutely nothing.

I lay on my bed alone with thoughts. Oh, how I wish I wasn't left with my thoughts.

My thoughts of past memories which I wish not to reminisce on. Memories which have affected me so horribly. That determined how I live, today. People who I wish not to see nor meet every again. People who I wish I still had next me.

My thoughts of what could've been. What I could've made of myself if I applied my self more. If I had the right influences. If I had people to support me. The right people to support me.

And then I'm left with the thoughts of what I have become. The amount of regret and remorse I feel, is outstanding. I would've never thought I would've become what I am today. I think if my younger self saw me, he would probably be disgusted. Disgusted at how I wasted my life. Disgusted at the opportunities I missed. Utterly disgusted.

Life is sweet to those who try their hardest. Life is bitter to those who don't even try. I have tried my hardest but clearly life isn't sweet to me. Where do I fit in?

If only I could have someone to tell me that I am worth it. If only I could have someone to help me out of this mess I've put myself in. If only someone could help me achieve the emotions I want.

Happiness.

These are the endless nights I face, every single day.