To the person whose life was cut too short,
I don't know where to start this. Part of me wants to relive memories and smile but the other part wants to bottle up reality, stick it on a shelf and pretend you're still here.
My mind makes up excuses everyday. You didn't come down for the weekend because you were stuck at work. You must have forgot to call on Christmas morning. You couldn't make it to our birthday party because you were sick. You've just been busy. That's why I haven't seen you.
You see, my heart doesn't want to believe it so my head makes excuses. You couldn't spend the weekend with us because you're dead. You didn't call on Christmas morning because you're dead. You couldn't attend our party or visit us because you are dead.
Dead.
What's the definition of dead?
No longer alive.
You're dead. Gone. You're just a memory now.
You don't know how much my heart breaks when I remember that you're not here anymore. I cry. I scream.
I don't want to believe you're gone. And I hate how the world hasn't stopped spinning. The people at the store doesn't know you're gone. The family bringing home their newborn baby doesn't know you're gone. The neighbors having a big party, laughing and having a good time don't know you're gone.
Why don't they stop because you're gone? I don't understand. I will never understand.
But I do know that I love you. I cannot express how much I miss you. I took the little moments for granted but now they're all I have. The picture of your smile overtakes my memory and the faint sound of your laugh rings in my ears.
You're not here physically but all the things you used to do are drilled into my memory.
So I'm sitting here, my face buried in your sweatshirt, trying to grasp all I have left of you. Somewhere, where ever you may be, I hope you're not in pain anymore. I hope you're at ease now. That's all I want.
I promise you, I am doing everything I can to help me cope with your death. I'm surrounding myself with supportive people and I'm remembering you as the person I grew up with, not as the body described in the courtroom. You are not the tombstone lying above your head, you're a person I love dearly. I always will. I'm getting through this, I have too. So all I want is for you to no longer endure the pain you did moments before your death.
I'll never know, but I can hope.
So to the person whose life was cut too short... There isn't a day where I don't find myself thinking about you because I love you and I miss you more than I could ever express.
Fly high my guardian angel ♥
