1.
Of the many rumored experiments by the Excelsis Institute, few are more curious than the fabled Project Artemis: a project as shrouded in myth as the goddess that bears its name.
Project Artemis' alleged goal was the creation of canines classified as Genetically Neuro-augmented Extranormal Species (GNES) – a breed of hyper-intelligent dogs, bred for unconventional military applications.
But although the subjects did achieve genius-level intelligence, they retained the motivations, instincts - and most importantly, the good nature - of an average dog. And so it was said that Excelsis, ever the secret-keeper, ever the perfectionist, ordered all traces of the project destroyed ... including the dogs themselves.
There are whispers, though, that not all of Project Artemis was wiped from history. A particularly resourceful specimen (codenamed Subject Three) is said to have escaped the purge, aided by a since-resigned Excelsis scientist.
Excelsis has long denied any relevant claims. But if the allegations are true, then it is possible that the lone survivor of a mentally-superior canine race has been living among society for years ... perhaps sheltered by a family, even now.
These rumors remain unsubstantiated.
2.
Dear Dana and Corinne,
Happy Birthday to your daughter! May little Doreen become as intelligent and strong-willed as her Mama, and as caring and hardworking as her Mommy. It always makes me happy to watch you guide your toddler through the everyday mysteries of her little life, such as "where does rain come from?", "what does Mama do at her office?", and recently, "why won't Mommy let me eat the delicious-looking crayons?"
As your child's very first pet and first friend, I promise her all my loyalty and companionship. I am very proud of you as parents and as people, and I know that Doreen will always be encouraged, nourished and protected by two women who will always love and cherish her. May your Munchkin remain as adorable as the teddy bear you gave her as a present.
Now, for the reason I am writing this letter. I am going to f*ck that teddy bear.
***
You two know this for a fact: I will sex anything on God's green earth. (And in one case, a literal patch of earth. I am deeply sorry for ruining your potted tomatoes, Dana.) Animal, vegetable, mineral - you name it, I'll hump it. I'll even do all three combined, evidenced by the time Corinne decided to leave her stuffed tandoori chicken alone with me in the kitchen only to realize later how terrible (and erotic) of a mistake that was.
My point is: if I decide I'd like to hump it, you damn better believe I won't rest until I hump it. That teddy bear is, and will be, no exception.
To understand how motivated I am, let's go back to before: when you two were merely dorky nurse and mad scientist, and not woman and wife. You'd broken up because Corinne wanted you both to raise a family, and Dana was so afraid of the thought of pregnancy that you had a big fight that ended with her moving out.
It was painful; watching two people who loved each other pretend that they did not. I will never forget seeing Dana fake her usual rascally, devil-may-care attitude day after day... and then hearing her cry in bed night after night, trying to stifle tears that refused to stop flowing.
For months, you both lived half a life ... until the night Dana visited that secluded bench at the park: that lakeside spot where you taught Corinne how to slow dance, her hands around your neck and your arms around her waist, hands and fingers resting at the small of her back.
