tomorrowland

it was stupid for me to stay

Bo sat on my lap as we listened to the music coming from on stage. We were in our VIP booth, where the seats were cushioned and the beer was cold. I kissed her shoulder blade and I saw her lips perk up at the sides. 

It was already day three of Tomorrowland, in the morning we would be packing up and going back to England. 

I wasn't sure how long Bo would be staying in England but I never wanted her to leave. I couldn't do that again. I couldn't separate myself from her, not again, not now. 

"Boston when are you going back to California?"

She heard me, and instead of answering she placed the beer bottle to her lips and drank. She was ignoring me, she wasn't telling me something. 

"Bo? Please answer me."

She turned around on my lap, placing her beer bottle on the grassy floor, and soon straddled me. I grunted as she continued in her new position. Her hands went to my shoulders. 

"I leave tomorrow," she said. 

"Tomorrow?" I questioned. 

"I have a plane ticket from Heathrow tomorrow." 

"What? I thought you didn't have roundtrip."

She exhaled, "I don't."

"Then why?" 

She ran her fingers through her hair, she was nervous. She should be. "Liam we can't keep doing this." 

She removed her body from my grasp and walked around the tents. I quickly stood up and followed her, dropping my beer to the floor. 

"Doing what? Running away from each other?!" I yell after her, begging for answers. 

She turns on her heels. "Fucking with each other. Fucking with everyone! That's all we are good at." 

"So you were going to leave without telling me?! Why do you keep coming back, why is it that every time you think about leaving some part of you is begging to stay right here. You are doing nothing but lying to yourself, which is the cause of all this fucked up bullshit!"

"Shut up!" We were standing a good distance a part, but I could still make out her lips coming together in a thin line. Pissed off. Pissed off at me. I don't know how she does it. How she blows through so many emotions, but she's probably thinking the same about me. "Do not blame this all on me!" She continues. "Don't you fucking dare! You are the reason! If you would have never looked at me at the airport that day, or stopped in my path that day, none of this would have happened."

"You're right," I said giving into her easily.

"Of course I'm right. I have been thrown into your world without a choice and it was stupid of me to stay."

"You're right," I say again. She was doing the talking, and I was simply listening. I wanted to cry, I wanted to beg on my feet that what her and I have together was rare. 

Together we were powerful, but she thought differently.

"You know," she started, crossing her arms. "People say the a couple can either bring greatness or destroy everything in their way. That's exactly what we do, we destroy. I should've kept my promise when I told you we were done. We can't continue to do this, and I gave in. I wasn't listening to myself, but now I am. I wanted to leave for a reason and this was the exact reason. We aren't good for each other, we would fucking kill each other if the world would let us. And you know that." 

"Don't," I mutter. "Don't do this again. This is complete bullshit. Just tell me Boston, what do you want? I'm done playing these fucking games."

"I--."

"What do you want?!" I yell and she closes her eyes softly at my harsh tone. 

"I want to forget you. Just like I forgot Harry."

I shook my head, "You are an idiot."

"I might be an idiot, but I'm not about to ruin my life because of someone."

"That's all I am anymore. Just a 'someone'?" 

She exhaled, "I didn't mean it that way." 

"Then what did you mean?" 

"Liam, stop," she said before turning around and walking towards our tent. She vanished inside the lit fabric covered home and I wasn't about to walk away. 

"Boston, this is bullshit," I don't know how many times I have to repeat it. "If you want to leave so fucking bad, then I'm done trying to stop you. I'm so tired." 

"If we separate, things will get better, go back to where they used to be. No more memories, we solved our problems now we need to let them go. The problem is I can't let them go until I let you go…for good. No more saying I will leave and then let you make love to me. I feel like I'm using you." 

I run my fingers through my hair, exhaling. "So this is it. I can't say anything to make you stay? I can't beg you to stay with me?"

She closed her eyes and shook her head, "No," she hardly spoke. "You can hate me, you can wish I never happened."

"I could never do that," I said. "I don't want to forget you. What is the matter with everyone. Everyone wants to be forgotten. I hate it."

"I know," she breathed. "I hate it too."

"Then why are you doing this to me?"

"Liam, this, us, whatever it is, it was never supposed to last. We are the end, the finish line, and now we need to be alone. We need to walk away."

I just continued to shake my head. "I hate you," I muttered. I would have never said that to anyone to their face, and it scared me that I just said it to the girl I've devoted everything to. 

"I understand," she says. "Maybe we'll meet again."

She stepped forward and reached for my hand. She placed a folded square of notebook paper onto my opened palm. 

"Goodbye Liam," she said before she left the tent. 

This was not how anything was supposed to happen. This is now what was planned minutes ago when she first told me she didn't have a roundtrip but made a decision to leave on her own. I wish I had never asked her when she was going home. 

I was the stupid one. 

I was the stupid one for making her stay. 

I hated that the good things are always the things to run away first. 

I stuffed the folded piece of paper into one of my suitcase pockets to never read it.