THE ONE

20. SLEEPLESS

It's 3 A.M. on a school night and my thoughts race from one to another. And there isn't one pleasant thought. It's all dark and although it's so quiet in the dorm room, my mind is loud.

I put on my headphones so I would forget the whole thing for a while and distract myself, but the lyrics speak up everything I was trying to forget.

Suddenly, every little thing in my life becomes this huge thing. And when you pour too much into the glass which stands on shaky ground already, the glass spills whole. That's how it feels right now. It's all too much for me to handle.

After I screamed at the top of my lungs and cried for an hour I drove home to say hi to my parents. They were both excited to see me. And we had a family dinner. I got my cooking skills from my mom. She's an amazing chef.

But my mom looked tired, so I asked if she was okay. All she said was: "I'm just happy to be home." and looked at Tally, gently grabbing her under the chin as my little sister smiled with joy and closed her precious green eyes. My mom gave her a kiss on the forehead and looked at my dad. He didn't look up nor smiled. I knew something was wrong but of course I didn't want to ask about it while my little sister was around. I just liked the fact that Tally didn't notice the bad atmosphere that spread all over the dining room.

I put Tally to bed, reading to her from the booklet our mom read to me when I was just a little boy. As she fell asleep, leaning on my arm, I slowly stood up and kissed her cheek before going downstairs.

"Where's dad?", I asked mom. I didn't notice the tear that was already slipping down her cheek. I sat on the chair next to her and grabbed her hand. "Mom, what is it? Why are you crying? And where's dad?" "Oh, Jason." Her voice was quiet and she was on the verge of tears. "I don't know how to tell you this. But I need to. Just don't tell Tally. I have to tell her myself if it comes to the worst conclusion."

"Just tell me, please. I'm worried."

"Well, we didn't want you two to worry. Your dad is out, drinking. We've lied. We weren't out on the vacation. I went to the hospital to check on myself. They wanted to run over some tests, because I've been feeling sick for about 2 months already. But I think you're old enough to understand.

One day, when I was going home from work, I was unlocking my car as I saw a strange man walking towards me. He was dressed in black and had a mask on. All I had was my purse and my phone. I tried to get the car running, but there was no use. "Where do you think you're going, little missy?", he said with the voice of a devil as he took my keys and threw them on the other side of the street. He reached for my wallet and I let him. But that wasn't all. He smashed my phone to the ground and started feeling me all over. "You're turning daddy on, you know that, right?" I tried to run away and call for help but he made me shut up by holding a gun to my head. "If you say one more thing, you're going to regret it." I went silent, but still tried to keep his hands off my boobs. He grabbed my hands and tied them together behind my back. "Don't worry, babydoll. You will enjoy it." And then his filthy hands reached under my skirt, pulling down my panties and started touching me in between my legs. I tried to scream but he kept his hand over my mouth, so all that came out was nothing but silence. He kissed my neck and said: "Mmmm, baby. Your body tastes so good." He held a gun to my head as I gave him a blowjob and he later came inside of me, gave me one last kiss, put on my clothes and opened the car door. "This will be our little secret, or I will find you and do it all over again. But I don't think you would really mind. You seemed to enjoy it and if you wanted to sew me, your provocative clothes wouldn't help the story.", he said as his hands were untying mine. He ran away and I just sat in my car and cried. I cried in silence, because I was scared of letting out a voice out again. And that was just the way it felt when I was acting strange in front of your dad for about 3 weeks. He knew something was wrong and I told him, crying as I am right now. And he was really supportive, even more than usual. And later he freaked out, punching a wall with his knuckles, saying: "YOU'RE MINE AND WHO DOES HE THINK HE IS?! I WILL FIND HIM AND WHEN I DO I DON'T CARE IF I END UP IN PRISON FOR MURDER! UUUUUUGGGGGGHHHHH!" I calmed him down, saying I'm okay, but I wasn't. Not physically, not mentally."

"That's horrifying. Oh my god, mom. I don't know what to say. I am just as angry and upset as dad was.", I said squeezing her hand in mine.

"Well, there comes the worst part. This weekend the tests showed some terrible results. I have AIDS, Jason."

And just like that, I'm crying as if I didn't cry enough when she told me. My pillow is wet with tears. My mom, the person who raised me into the person I am today and always supported me, is suffering. And all based on some stupid man who doesn't sort out the problems going on in his head. And I'm angry at a thought that this can't happen to the people I'm close with. There is not some kind of a shell, protecting my family and friends from bad things happening. Nobody can run away from that kind of problems. And I know she blames herself. She said it. "Jason, I wish I could've done more and I shouldn't dress like that." The story is tragic, but the fact that she thinks that this is all her fault, upsets me to the point that I punch my leg. And I don't do it just once. The punches keep becoming stronger and stronger. But that can't explain the pain I felt deep in my stomach by thinking of my mom's sadness.

If only I could find the guy who did it, I would strangle him with his own hands.