THE ONE

19. PRESENTATION

It's Monday just like every week but it's always a torture getting up. And I have my Chemistry presentation today. Not that I think I will get a bad grade but I'm always a little anxious about talking in front of the whole class. I'm at the first year of collage but professors often ask me to take over the class. They say I'm the smartest student in school although it doesn't really feel like it. I am not known as a nerd but more like a role model for the guys and a magnet for the girls. They're all so jealous when I talk to Sophie but it's kind of funny. It's funny to think people like me but don't actually know me. 

People don't know my fears or tears. They don't know about the times I want to punch walls or the times I do that so badly that my knuckles bleed my own blood. They don't know I have nightmares about losing my sister. They only know my smile and my leather jacket. They know my words but they don't understand them. At least most of them don't. Maybe they don't even want to know me like that; I mean who would? Who would love the broken? Who would love the depressed?

That's why I hide behind my most known facial expression – a smile.

Sometimes I really just want to scream that to people. They don't know me. You don't know me. You don't fucking know me.

But of course who'd understand my messed up mind? I'm supposed to be smart and know myself. But I guess not because I don't understand myself either. I need to focus on the class and not my thoughts. I need to shut them off.

The class is over and the professor is really pleased by my presentation, but I know I could be better. I know I need to be better. I'm never good enough for myself no matter how hard I try, so I just smile and say thank you. But my demons scream louder than ever so I just sit in my car and drive to my scream place. It's up the mountains and the city lights shine bright. I scream from the top of my lungs but what if anyone hears me? What am I going to say? "Yeah, no prob mate, I'm just trying to get rid of my demons. Keep on going and don't worry." Oh, c'mon. Who would I fool?

Well but yet again, people don't really care so I think they would just keep walking or say that I'm retarded. I don't know which is worse; the oblivion or the bad words.

The tears start falling down my cheeks and I don't even know what the reason of it is. I'm just a mess right now, inside out. I can't see Jaclyn in that condition, nor call Sophie. I know they would both cheer me up, but I don't want to bother them. Am I crazy? Do I even want to get better? Or am I just waiting for things to be so bad that I don't even think about trying anymore? I don't know. I don't know anything. I don't know what my future holds. In fact; do I even have a future? Can I be a good husband or a dad? Can I have a good job and be respected at my work place? What am I? What will I be?

My head is a mess. But I know I got to suck it up and kiss my sister goodnight. I have to visit Jaclyn. I have to say hi to my parents who just came back home about two hours ago. I have to teach Sophie to cook. And just like that, my mind gets filled up with the reason of why I stay on this crappy world. Because all it takes is just one thing that you know will make you happy while doing it and not care about the other things pulling you down.

I look up and see a shooting star. I make a wish, just like I do every time when I see one. But it's pathetic. I know it will not come true, because the star is dead and so are my dreams.