THE ONE

30. A HARBOUR

I wake up sweaty from another nightmare. She was calling my name again. I bet I was hearing Jaclyn's voice, because as I'm waking up, she's still saying my name and begging me to calm down.

"Jason, Jason! It's going to be okay. I'm not leaving.", she says as she firmly grasps my hand.

"Aren't you mad at me anymore?"

"I was acting stupid. I'm sorry. You need my support."

"It's okay, dear."

She leans towards me, her lips becoming one with mine again.

"Want to go out for a walk?", she asks with such enthusiasm that I can't say no.

"Sure. Just let me wash up first."

We're sitting on a bench. There's this beautiful lake in front of us. She's grabbing my hand. But there's no use, really. I start crying.

"Baby, don't cry. Please, you'll make me cry too. I can't see you hurting.", she wipes off my tears and squeezes my hand tighter.

I feel her presence but I act like she's not there at all. How could she understand the pain of losing a loved person?

Even though I kept telling Sophie to stop smoking, I now miss the smell of smoke coming from her mouth as she wanted to make figures out of it. I miss the way she'd smile as I stepped on her cigarette. I miss the way we used to sing in the car. I miss the way she hugged me, pressing her whole body against me and always smelling nice. Her perfume not always covered up the smell of cigarettes, but that was my best friend's smell. Now, she's gone. And I can never get that back.

"Baby, please.", Jaclyn says as I stare in the distance.

I start shaking. I want to scream but I don't want to cause panic. That's a paradox, because I'm still panicking in my head. Jaclyn moves closer to me and hugs me around my neck, petting my hair. "It's okay, baby. I'm here." That calms me down and makes me sad at the same time. How can she be so nice to me? I mentally destroyed a person to the point of her own suicide. And to think that was my best friend ...

I stop shaking but a new ocean of tears comes rushing out of my eyes. Oh, if only I could bring her back. And Jaclyn is still there, holding my hand. I'm a mess. I need to calm down so she doesn't think of me as a total loser.

"Thank you for being here for me. I must look terrible right now.", I say as I wipe my tears off and let out a little pitiful laugh.

"You're pretty lucky to be handsome even when you cry, you know? Your eyes become this blue, wavy ocean and your lips become even fuller than they already are. They also become as red as they do when I kiss you. It's pretty attractive actually.", she smiles and leans in for a kiss on the cheek. I smile and place her head on my chest. I kiss her on the top of it as she pulls me closer, looks up at me and smiles. If there's one thing I'm sure of, it's that now I love her more than I did before.

We walk back into my room after sitting there for a couple more minutes. She's still holding my hand, walking in front of me as we go. Her dark brown hair is just as long for them to reach her shoulders, she's dressed in her nicest blue dress with white dots and she's walking so fervently that I can't resist myself not to let my face muscles form a shy smile. She calmed my panic attack before. That makes her a harbour in the storm that's been going on in my head for far too long.